5 Years Ago Today ...

It was 5 years ago today that I had the father's privilege to walk my daughter, Winter, down the isle and give her to my son-in-law and good friend Justin. That was a magical day for me, it really was. I thought about that day since the day Winter was born.

I wanted to do something special for her and I knew I had to do something in pictures because pictures say a thousand words. I am grateful that technology was available to do this. I spent months with "A" trying to prepare a presentation that would be fit for a princess (and prince). I went back to old photos and slides and found the right music to play. It was fun to produce and prepare.

I think the presentation was a hit. My daughter ran up to me, gave me a hug, and told me she loved me. I felt so proud. I believe God allowed me to made amends for being a father that drank too much.

My Winter (and Justin) ... Happy 5th Anniversary!

Lost in the Paper World?

For the past couple of days, I have been calling the NS Cancer Clinic to find out when I would start my 33 radiation sessions. I thought I would be in the process by now. I was "mapped and marked" on August 7 and "A" recalls the therapists saying "see you in 2 weeks".

I am not sure what happened but I am now told my treatments start the week of September 24th. I am not sure what happened but the booking department told me they needed instructions and a report from my radiation oncologist before they booked people. Both "A" and I were sure the good Doctor completed this in early August but then went on holidays. He is not back until September 10. So I am wondering ... was my file sitting on someones desk waiting for it to be sent to booking? Maybe, maybe not?

As with this whole experience, I have to 'Let Go and Let God". I am feeling a bit guilty about not being back at work already ... maybe it is the farm background in me, or maybe it is something else. One thing I do know ... I am keeping busy. If asked I have helped folks whenever asked. I will be glad when life returns back to "normal" later this year when "A" and I are back in Regina.

A great weekend!

This past weekend, "A" and I were invited to an original Scottish homestead in the Pictou County of Nova Scotia. This was an opportunity to get away for a couple of days and clear the "head space". I am anxious to get on with radiation treatments and move on to Regina, so this adventure was good for me. It helps when I can stop feeling sorry for myself and stop the waves of fear from overwhelming me. The fear is really the fear of the future or the unknown.

Anyhow ... back to the adventure. We drove up to Pictou County on Sunday morning and met my friend at her family's original homestead. It was wonderful and full of history. The "old farm house was built in 1820 (I believe) and the "new kitchen" was added in 1910. I wish the walls could talk and in some ways I think they did during the night of great conversation. I laughed harder than I have in months and I also cried during some of the sharing. For me, this was what life is all about; listening, sharing from the heart and caring for people that we know or don't know.

It was a great day and it FLEW by in a heartbeat. Much to fast but so memorable. Thanks D for the day!

The next day (Monday), "A" and I decided to take a detour. Instead of driving straight back to Dartmouth, we caught the ferry from Pictou to Prince Edward Island and toured the island. Everything is so close compared to Saskatchewan. We drove at a leisurely pace to Charlottetown, New London, Anne of Green Gables museum and returned via the Confederation Bridge. What a beautiful day to be alive. I didn't think of the monster once!

We are now back in Dartmouth. Yesterday we were finalizing our house purchase in Regina and signed all necessary mortgage and ownership papers. Hopefully, by the end of the week, we will have some place to move to once the radiation is completed. I called the Nova Scotia Cancer Clinic yesterday and the radiation booking desk is waiting for the final radiation strategy from the oncologist. He is on holidays until September 10 and I was a little disappointed this report wasn't completed before he went away. Both "A" and I want the treatments to start ASAP so we can plan out trip back. Once again, I am no longer in control! God grant me the serenity.

More tomorrow and maybe a couple of pictures of the adventure.

A Flashback this Morning ...

I was walking Max around Lake Banook this morning and was almost home when I seen a young man that could have been me 30 years ago. We were crossing the Shubenacadie Canal system at Lock #1. He was about 20 and was looking over the edge of the canal system. He was "meditating" with a bottle of beer.

It was 7:30 in the morning and much to early for a beer. It was obvious to me that he was thinking about the past and the future. He was not in the present moment. How do I know? I was there many, many times in the past. I used to have beer in the morning on a regular basis. I was always thinking about what I did or what will happen. I seldom thought about my life at that precise moment.

I had deep empathy for this young man. I wanted to tell him I was in his shoes many years ago. In fact, I was going to chat with him when Max decided to chase some ducks and almost ripped my hand off. I think this was a sign from the Big Guy to leave things as they are for this young man. Hopefully someone else will "plant a seed" that could help change his future.

One thing I have learned ... "normal people" don't have a beer at 7:30 in the morning, looking over beautiful Lake Banook and throwing the empty bottle into the canal system. I am not normal and know this.

The Firsts in my Life ...

I have been very fortunate in my life. I have experienced many firsts.

I was the first born in my family which consists of 3 brothers and 2 sisters. I was the first to go to university. I was the first to get married. She was the first in my life and the girl I always dreamt of. I gave my parents their first grandchild. I the first to walk a daughter to the wedding isle in my family (and give her away to a wonderful first son-in-law). I was the first in my immediate family to find sobriety. I was also the first to speak at my parents "graduation ceremonies" in 2003. I was the first to live in another province. As you can see there are many firsts and all are special and memorable.

However, one of the most special firsts was seeing my daughter on December 11, 1978. I actually seen her before her Mom. I just finished a 4th year university exam in Fluid Dynamics at the University of Saskatchewan. As soon as the exam was completed, I rushed to the Saskatoon City Hospital to see how my soon to be wife was doing. I was told my daughter was born and would I like to see her. That was a magic moment. I knew at the moment, I moved into a new chapter of my life. As I held her, I seen my "A " being rolled past us. I felt blessed and scared. So many things have happened since that day. I hope many more days with interesting firsts will happen in the future.

By the way ... I received a call yesterday; I start my radiation treatments in mid-September. That will certainly be a first.

A Great Day in Chester

Yesterday, "A" and I were invited to visit a friend who was at a cabin in Chester. It was a great way to take my mind away from the upcoming radiation sessions. We arrived in Chester about 2:30 pm and before we knew it, it was 6:30 pm.

We tour around the entire Chester basin including a brief trip up Gold River. What a wonderful way to see the remarkable homes in the area. I was told that there are more millionaires per capita in the Chester area than any other place in Canada. If you take the tour, you will know why.

Thanks for the great day G&M!

Happy 2nd Birthday Demetrius!

If there is one thing I now live for, it is for my grandchildren; Dustin, Demetrius, Bohdan, Aaliyah, Daniel and Skyler. These are my gifts and I am grateful.

Today is my Demetrius' 2nd birthday and I am not there (in Regina) to be with you. But Demetrius, I have been thinking about you since I have woken up this morning. I bragged about your 2nd birthday to my friends at my 12 Step meeting this morning and during my walk with Max this morning, I thanked the Big Guy that you came into our lives while we were in Nova Scotia. I also thank your Mom and Dad.

I hope you can feel my hugs. You are special in my life!



Gido

Where was I 30 years ago?

It was a very hot day. I was in Netherhill, Saskatchewan, traveling in a non-air conditioned car when the announcer on the radio interrupted the music and said Elvis died at 42. I was stunned! I knew that was a special moment in history.

I was a Engineering CO-OP Student working for the SaskPower Engineering/Corrosion Control department in Saskatchewan. My job was to travel throughout Saskatchewan and complete pipe-to-soil cathodic protection surveys on the extensive steel transmission system.

I was 20 years old and just finished my 2nd year studies at the University of Regina. I was transferring to the University of Saskatoon that fall. It was the summer before I met my "A" in Saskatoon. Little did I know how GOOD my life was to become.

Where were you?

And Acceptance is the Answer to ALL MY PROBLEMS

During my travels in sobriety, I have found a "tool" that works for me when I want it to. It seems however, I need to practice it every day. It is not something that "sticks" with me. I am forgetful and need to be reminded continuously.

On Monday, I had the privilege to be the speaker at the Downtown Dartmouth Group. This was true blessing. I got a chance to speak about my past, my present, the Program and about the "tool" that has been so important for me during the past few months.

This tool is called "ACCEPTANCE".

I am "wired differently" than "normal folks". For some reason I am super sensitive. I react to all kinds of fears. I am terrified of rejection or just the fear of rejection. I work in extremes and need to find the shades of gray in my life.

I am also prone to self pity ... poor Gido ... everyone is picking on me, including God! I have been classed as a worry wort, trying to control outcomes, people and places. I always ask myself, when should I control and when should I sit back and "enjoy the ride"?

In the Big Book, there is a passage from a story that was written by a Doctor from California. There are two paragraphs that I have used over and over again. Here is the quote:

" And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

I have a lot of people, places and things to accept. This morning, I tried something different. Not anything radical but just something a bit different. Today, when I was walking around Lake Banook with Max, I stopped at the gazebo, knelt for a few minutes (with Max by my side) and asked the Big Guy for help. I prayed for Acceptance, for Courage and for Wisdom.

And you know what ... it has been a very good day so far!

My thoughts are with JC today

During the past 4 months, I have been having coffee meetings with JC who is another monster fighter. Today he goes into the hospital for additional testing and my thoughts are with him. He has been an inspiration to me. "If we get through this day, we can fight another day tomorrow and who knows, maybe a medical breakthrough will occur." These words make sense to me. I am finding that there is an exponential growth rate regarding cancer knowledge and cures.

Cancer is a sneaky disease and has many faces, it is very much like my other disease ... alcoholism. Everyone has their own perception of what the disease is and I find people do a "lot of lumping together" when talking about cancer and other illnesses such as alcoholism. From what I have found out, there are over a 100 different varieties of cancer; prostate cancer, breast cancer, skin cancer, etc. Each monster behaves differently and is treated differently.

It is the same with alcoholism; there are many different "forms" of the disease. Many people think a person has to drink a ton of booze everyday. This was the case for me, however, I was one of the lucky ones. This aggressiveness made it obvious to everyone but me, that I had a problem. However, I have know folks who are alcoholics and they drank much less than me and some only drank a couple of times a years. Some on the other hand are "dry drunks". They don't drink but they are in the grips of the illness.

There is one common link between cancer and alcoholism; their primary purpose is to kill their host, their victim! The disease's secondary purpose is to destroy families and friends.

This is why spiritual and human support is so important; God and medicine can work wonders and I pray they work for JC today. God's Speed my friend.

Chasing Ducks ...

I have been given one advantage regarding my fight with the monster; his name is Max. He and the ducks in Lake Banook have given me the gift of getting in shape.

Everything I have read and every Doctor I have chatted with have indicated that I have good odds in beating the monster. I may have already won (70% probability) but this beast is cannot be underestimated. I have been told that most men who have prostate cancer never die from it; they usually die from something else. A cardiac problem such as a heart attack. Get active and get in better shape; these are recommendations from my doctors and my good wife "A". I am trying to do my best.

Thank God for Max. He has been a great walking companion. He has taught me how to smile and loose a bit of weight at the same time. Our walks around Lake Banook are a morning ritual and have paid off. It has been 3 weeks since I have been off the undergarments and I owe this speedy bladder control recovery all to Max and the ducks who live on Lake Banook.

As we walk around the Lake, he always wants to chase a duck. This must be just natural for a yellow lab. He lunges and I pull back. This action must be the Kegel Exercise ever! I must have done this a thousand times over the past couple of months. And as a result, I have had no embarrassing accidents. Thank you Max.

Let's Get On With It ...

I am grateful for the excellent care I have been receiving for my fight against the monster, but, I want to get on with the radiation treatment, complete the 7 week session and move back to Saskatchewan.

I guess I should go to one of my meetings. It starts in 10 minutes. They always improve my attitude. Bill W. and Dr. Bob; here I come.

Gido

Radiation ... Here I come ...

"A" and I went to the NS Cancer Clinic on Tuesday afternoon and we were convinced that I should proceed with radiation therapy. The Oncologist (Dr. H.) indicated there are 4 factors that would suggest I would benefit from radiation therapy:

1. The monster was identified as a high grade version (Gleason Score of 8 (5+3)) and this means the monster has the potential to spread quickly;
2. The monster “just” got out of the prostate capsule;
3. Current medical studies indicate that there are proven benefits when radiation is supplemented to a prostatectomy (surgery) and
4. I am “young” and healthy so I could have long term benefits of radiation. I am not so sure about the young anymore!

At a previous meeting I had with Dr. H., he indicated that he would have given me a 70% probability that the monster has been completely removed as a result of the surgery. He then suggested, that with the radiation treatments, the survival probability would incrementally increase by another 15% (and maybe 20%). Therefore, a minimum, my odds are at 85% right now; I am grateful for this.

One of the comforting pieces of information I received at this meeting was that the radiation dosage would be approximately 2/3 of of the dose that would be applied if the prostate gland was still in place. He indicated this small dose will significantly reduce the side effects such as burning the rectum and bladder walls. This was the clinching detail for me.

All this being said, I was tattooed with 3 small dots that will be targets for my upcoming radiation. A small legacy of my battle with the monster. I now have to wait for a phone call to get into the queue which I was told will be 2-4 weeks; most likely end of August.

There will be 35 sessions, one per day and 5 days per week. This means 7 weeks. If the documentation I have read is correct, radiation will have some side effects especially at the end of the treatment. These indicated tiredness and problems with the all the plumbing. Dr. H. indicated he was going to do a “wide swath” radiation beam so he can treat my entire pelvic area, so he will be monitoring the side effects. He also stressed that getting increasing stamina would have benefits; more salad and less meat and more walking!

I guess Max eats the steaks and I get the green stuff.

Gido's Rules - 2007 Version

Since my discovery of the monster on March 12, 2007 I had a lot of time to think about my illness. I wondered if I had something to do with getting cancer, the monster. I am sure there were a lot of factors including my eating habits, my genetic history, my life style. Personally, I think I did have a part to play in the way my body performed. I have caused stress in my life that should not have been there. I should have known better.

My ego got out of wack, maybe not in a big way, but it did in my head. This was certainly demonstrated by Gido's Rules of 2006. I have had to revise them going forward. Dustin ... please pay attention if you ever read this. It can help you in the future.

Rule #1: God is the Boss.

Please note the minor wording change that has a Big impact for me. I am NOT the boss. God is the Boss, The Big Guy, the Creator or The High Power. He is all in One and I have to practise my Step 3.

This rule can still be used to ensure order and discipline, however, I just have to get in tune with His Will for me. Thus, I silently pray during the day, while I in the CAT Scan, in the doctor's office and in the bathroom of the Victoria General in Halifax. I am very pleased with my acceptance so far. It works.

Rule #2: Always hold hands when we are crossing a street or road.

No change to this rule ... it is good for all grandchildren and middle aged men.

Rule #3: No holding your "wiener" in public.

Although this is a good rule for young boys, "A" has pointed out that this is a good rule for ALL males of ALL ages. Since the operation, I have found that I had to be conscience of this all important rule!

Rule #4: No running in a store.

Another safety rule that is good for young boys and 50 year old gido's, especially in the Tool Section of Home Depot.

Rule #5: No whining.

Wow did this one turn out to be important. I need to apply it to my life, right now. NO WHINNING, really means "stop the self pitty". I am really good at self pitty and using it to my advantage. I have to remember I am not the only guy who has prostate cancer and faced the consequences of the recovery. Gido, get a grip and start being more proactive!

CONCLUSION:

We were close when we developed Gido's Rules in 2006. The 2007 version is much better!

Gido's Rules - 2006 Version

In 2006, "A", Dustin and I had the very good fortune to travel to Newfoundland and Labrador. We spent a week traveling all around the great province and we even drove up to L'Anse aux Meadows which is the most northern tip of the province and where the Vikings first landed a long time ago.

During the trip, it was "necessary" to make a few rules that Dustin and I could abide by. This is the 2006 version:

Rule #1: Gido is the Boss.
This rule was necessary (I believed) to ensure order and discipline during the trip.

Rule #2: Always hold hands when we are crossing a street or road.
This is a good safety rule and was created near Dildo, Newfoundland when Dustin almost walked into the path of a car.

Rule #3: No holding your "wiener" in public.
This is a good rule for young boys.

Rule #4: No running in a store.
Another safety rule and was necessary for the protection of the public at the Home Depot Store in St. John's.

Rule #5: No whining.
This rule was created after the following question was asked several times ... "Are we there, yet?"

These are good rules, with the exception of the first rule. This rule has got me into a lot of trouble in the past year as it strayed me away from my ultimate beliefs. I am not the boss and never had been. Since my operation, I have had a lot of time to think about what the 2007 rules should be. I will elaborate tomorrow.

Back to Reality

This is the last day ... in Ottawa. I had a lot of fun this past week and I must say, it flew by in a flash. I can't believe it has been a week. I found this time quite refreshing as I didn't have to worry about my upcoming treatments or buying or selling a house. I was just helping out my daughter, her great husband and my most interesting grandson. I also practised patience with my "A" as she went shopping to one of her favorite stores; Crouching Tiger - Hidden Dragon. I think I was a good husband (for the most part).

Today, we spent the afternoon at the CWM (Canadian War Museum). This is a must see if you are in Ottawa. There must have been a lot of tax dollars spent because they did a first class job on the various displays and exhibits. As we walked through the museum, I looked at all the young faces that were lost during this wars. As sad as the facts are, these unknown faces gave me a lot of gratitude. I am lucky. I have lived to 50 so far and plan a few more years, if it is meant to be.

To all those young men and women, thank you.

August 1 ... The month for radiation

It has been good to get away for a week and try and get my mind off of further treatments. I was certainly hoping to get back to some normalcy; getting back to "regular" work would have been one means to accomplish that.

Well my plans certainly don't work out as I expect them and the more I try to force my recovery (or life for that matter), the more out of whack it seems to get. Here is a good example.

I am in Ottawa, helping our with odds and ends around the first born's and husband home. Not much really, just taking it easy, getting some sun and putting in a screw here and there. Last night when I went to bed, I seen there were potential signs of trouble from my "drain pipe"; spots that looked like blood on my underwear. Were did this come from? I didn't have any previous signs, so I am not sure what is up but I will keep monitoring today.

It has been 4 months since my operation and removal (I hope) of the monster. Next week, I begin another long process of radiation treatment. Maybe the "spotting" was just a sign from the Big Buy that radiation is the smart thing to do ... just FOLLOW this time Harvey!