My Girlfriend Isis ...

I met my girlfriend in 1999 September in Indian Head, Saskatchewan. I didn't care I was married, I needed a companion desperately. This was a time of high stress for me. I was in treatment once again dealing with my old foe, alcoholism. A family member was fortunate enough to be sent to this facility for 28 days and because I was an immediate family relative, I was designated to attend one week of intense treatment to deal with the deadly illness. Very much like the monster I am dealing with now!

I met Isis at the treatment facility the very first day of the sessions. We met on the front steps as I was looking east and watching the sun rise on that wonderful September morning on the prairies. I was actually praying to God at the moment, asking for strength to get through the sessions in the week, praying for health of my family member and just saying the Serenity Prayer to myself. Isis came from around the corner. She was cold and wanted to be held. So we did and I felt like God touch me for a moment because all my worries disappeared for a few seconds.

The week went by as it was supposed to. It was emotionally draining, however, I was able to talk to Isis during the week and when we met I seemed to gain strength from her warmth and her eyes. When she looked at me, I knew she loved me!

How was I going to tell my wife "A"? I had to. I asked "A" on that Thursday if I could bring home a friend and to my surprise the answer was yes. So I brought my girlfriend home to meet my wife and she (the girlfriend) has been with me ever since. Isis is my calico cat. She is blonde, brunette and redhead, all in one! She is gorgeous and has helped me immensely througout the years.

And she continues to help me by being a conduit to a Higher Power. When I am lying down on the couch, praying to my Higher Power, asking for strength, guidance and acceptance, Isis is usually on my chest purring. A very long time ago, when I was 7 or 8, my Aunt Mary told me that when cats are purring, they are actually praying to God. I am not sure why that statement stuck with me. I can still remember the moment. Isn't that strange. So when my girlfriend lays her head on my chest and prays with me, I am OK.

Isis ... I love you and I love you too "A".

"Hurry Up and Wait"

This is Thursday March 29, 2007 and time seems to be standing still and I seem to be terrified of the phone! I am waiting for a call from Dr. G. or Dr. B. regarding my results from the ST Scan and a confirmation on the results from my X-Ray Bone Scan. I am hoping both results say the the "monster" has confined itself to my prostate. If it has remained in the prostate, it will mean that surgery is a viable option to completely remove the monster cells. This will mean that I would have a good chance of recovery. If the results from the CT Scan and Bone Scan reveal that the cancer has moved, I am in big trouble!

At Dr. G's on Tuesday AM, he called the radiologist and found out that there was a "hot spot" in my left sinus cavity. This could be a result of an infection and I did have a sinus cold a few weeks ago. Gee's I sure hope this is the case. I was fortunate to see Dr. G in the morning because he was able to alter the CT Scan to include a scan of my head. What happens if he finds no brains?

I went to my 12 Step meeting today and one of the topics discussed was living "One Day at a Time". When I sobered up, this was a critical lesson I had to learn. It seems so simple but it is hard to do when I am in a crisis, like I am right now. Living "One Day at a Time" makes a lot of sense; I must focus on what I can do and control right now. I can type on this key board and can pray to the Big Guy. When I do this, I don't worry about the outcome of the tests. However, I seem to be a master at projecting worst case scenarios for the test results and when I do this, I can project myself as being dead by summer! When I do this, I get depressed.

On November 10, 1990, I couldn't image being sober for 1 month. My last drink was on November 9, 1990. I don't think I was sober for a month since I was 10 years old and at that time in November 1990, I just turned 34. My head was spinning as it is now. The first person, I met from the Program (on November 9, 1990) was sober 5 years ... 5 years ... I found that hard to be believe! I vaguely remember asking him how he did that. He said "On Day at a Time". He also asked me if I believed in God; I said "yes". He said "Good. You will need His help".

As I write this, it is jumping out at me that November 9, 1990 and March 12, 2007 have a lot of things in common. On those days, I found out I have an illness, a disease that I have no control over, absolutely NONE. If I use the principles I learnt when I started my journey into sobriety, I will be OK. However, it is hard to "hurry up and wait"; I guess I am just human.

Dad ... is that you?

Today was an interesting day. I was scheduled for and had a CAT Scan this morning. I also had my afternoon's doctors appointment changed last night to this morning and "A" and I had an appointment with our lawyer to execute Wills. All this activity would make it a full day and I should have a lot to talk about and I do.

What is most the most haunting part of the day occured after my walk around Lake Banook this morning with Max. I am almost embarrassed to say this ... but I found a toonie! Yes it was in my house and I can explain it as a coincidence, however, I found it a room were we have a picture of Dad. When I found it, I got goose bumps. Was this Dad? Maybe, maybe not? No matter what it was, I believe it was Dad saying hi. Thanks Dad.

I went to see Dr. G this morning with "A" to discuss recent blood work results. I am starting to get "gun shy" when I am seeing Doctors. There was good news and bad news. Good news, the monster has not spread to my bones in my pelvic area, however, there was a "hot spot" in my head. So during my visit with Dr. G, he was able to expand my CAT Scan to include my head area. This change in testing could not have occurred if my doctors appointment was not changed last night. Perhaps there was a Higher Power and Dad at work? I like to think so.

So I had my CAT Scan at 11:00 am. This is a painless exercise, however, once again I had to stay still for 10-15 minutes while the technology was working. The most painful part of the procedure was removing the tape that secured the intravenous line. The most stressful part of this process is waiting for results. This will take between 4 to 7 days. Waiting is hell but it gives me a good opportunity to pray to God and all my friend who are with Him. I pray for acceptance of the outcome. Once the test results are in known then I will know more about the plan to attack the monster.

I appreciate all the prayers from people. At times, I can "feel" these wonderful gifts; I thank everyone.

Dad ... thanks for looking after me today!

"Toonies from Heaven" ... The Rest of the Story

I believe in a Higher Power which I believe is God. However, I tend to have difficulty in absolute faith ... I want to see proof of some kind. This is were the "rest of the story" continues from my conversation with my Dad in the spring of 2000.

My Dad passed away on April 6, 2003, just before I decided to move to Nova Scotia and become involved in the natural gas distribution project. I was actually staying at the Westin when I received the call from my brother. It was a Sunday evening, just after 6:00 pm when my brother called to say Dad graduated (passed on). I was actually happy for Dad. He was 77 and the last year of his life was not fun.

I went home to Regina and then the farm the next day. Everything happened so fast. Because I am the oldest in the family, my Mom wanted me to help with Dad's arrangements. During that week, before the funeral, the family did a lot of talking and one of the conversations we had was the "pennies from heaven" story: That is, when you find a penny, it is a way for someone that you know who is in Heaven to say hi and it is there way to send you message that everything will be OK.

We all decided to place a bag of pennies in Dad's casket, just to make sure he didn't have an excuse not to make contact with us. I remembered my 2000 conversation with Dad. I wanted to make it difficult for Dad, so I placed a toonie with the pennies. I have found a lot of pennies in my life but never a loonie or a toonie.

After the funeral, I struggled with a decision on whether or not I should move to Nova Scotia. I prayed for an answer and I talked to Dad. In May 2003, after Dad's celebration, I had to travel to Nova Scotia to meet with some government officials regarding a highway crossing project. I met officials from the city and province at a restaurant that was close to the job site. As we met for lunch, I accidentally looked down at the floor and seen a toonie. I picked it up and never thought much about this event until that evening.

I was on my way to a 12 Step meeting, when it HIT ME. I found a toonie ... was this Dad saying it was OK to make a big move? I got "goose bumps" the size of mosquito bites! I knew it was. I moved to Nova Scotia and am extremely grateful for the opportunity. The past 4 years has been a engineer's dream project. The people I work with are second to none; they are family and I am honoured to work with them!

Dad ... I am looking for another sign. Will I be OK? I am scared. Please come visit me in my dreams and give me a hug. I love you.

My Father's Eyes

As I walked around Lake Banook this morning with Max, I was thinking about my Dad and the conversation I had with him in the spring of 2000. I was in Regina working on the Swan River (Manitoba) natural gas project for my company. My job was to confirm customer interest in the natural gas project. I was lucky because I could drop by and say hi to Dad when I was travelling back and forth to Swan River.

Dad was 74 at the time and he knew he was at the end of his stay on earth. He was terrified of dying and I could see it in his eyes.

During one of my trips to Swan River, I decided to stop by the farm and say hi and give Dad a hug.

Sidebar: Hugging was not part of Dad's world. When I first started giving him a hug when I sobered up, it was like hugging a 2X4 board, however, as the years progressed he started to look forward to my hugs. In the last years of his life, he would even hug me in public!

Back to my story. I stopped by and stayed for a few minutes, having coffee with Dad. Mom was off to town and Dad was all by himself in the farm house. When I looked into his eyes, I could see he was absolutely lonely and frightened. We chatted a while and I said I had to go. We hugged and off I went. About a half a mile down the road, I knew I had to turn around and ask him a question. I always wanted to ask Dad to do me a favor when he died.

I turned the car around and went back to see Dad. He was outside on his way to check on the new born calfs and their moms. He was surprise to see me back. I got out of the car and asked him "Dad I have been meaning to ask you this question. Can you do me a favor when you die?". "Sure Harve". "Dad, when it's your turn, and if you can, can you come back and touch me somehow?" He nodded as I was looking into his eyes. He changed before me; he had a purpose for dieing. The fear was gone, at least in that moment. I am so glad I turned the car around and asked him that difficult question!

Dad died on April 06, 2003. Tomorrow, the rest of the story.

Gido

Where do we go now Gido?

This is my first blog written jointly with my grandsons, Dustin and Demetrius. This first sentence took 20 minutes (last night) to complete.

The reason why it was taking so long was because my 6 year old grandson wanted to help write the blog. He kept saying "where do we go now Gido? How do you spell that? Where is the n key"? I had to quit after the first sentence (last night) because I was getting annoyed and losing patience with the speed of which this entry was being processed. My feelings entered into anger. Then I felt terrible. I am supposed to be enjoying my time with family. But instead I am getting annoyed because they want to help. What is wrong with this picture. I had the night to think about it, and my annoyance and anger are coming from the monster. I am deathly afraid of it and I have to come to terms that I may not be around to see them grow up. This is not fun stuff for me and I realize it is not supposed to be fun. Acceptance doesn't mean I have to like having the monster.

So "where do we go now Gido"? I will think about this and let you know later today or tomorrow.

Got to go and walk my friend Max.

Gido

Five Stages of Acceptance

Today was a roller coaster emotional ride. I experienced a number of old favorites ... joy, despair and self-pity, sometimes all within a few minutes. For me this is very draining and I believe this is part of the process of accepting the "monster" within me.

A few weeks ago, I was able to share some knowledge on the "Acceptance Process" that I have gained during my journey in sobriety. Now I have to practise what I preached; "Walking the talk" so to speak!

I was able to gain this information during my addiction treatment, some at my 12 step meetings, some from my sponsor, some from sponsoring people, some from reading and finally some from a Leadership Development Course I was able to attend at my work. But I learnt the most from my Mom who died of cancer in April 2003. She was an very good teacher. She graduated into the spirit world with acceptance and dignity.

There are 5 stages that I must go through to accept my situation; they are: (1) Denial (2) Anger (3) Bargaining (4) Depression and finally (5) Acceptance. It was an revelation for me to realize that I must go through these emotions and actions whether I lose $5.00, $36,000 or whether I have to accept that I have prostate cancer.

In the past, I used to get stuck on denial and/or anger. However, it caused me lots of problems and it cause everyone around me to be on guard, especially in my family.

Now that I know better, I have to force my self through the stages. I get angry; mostly at God. Not because I question why I have the "monster" but because God has bigger shoulders than my family members. I think God would prefer that I get angry at Him. That has been my experience with God in the past and He has come through many times for me.

I "bargain" by reading and writing and by poking my self in the stomach to see if I have any unusual pains. The problem with poking is that it hurts!

I cry ... I wish I could cry more. Maybe that will come. Last Friday, I was at one of my meetings and I cried when I told my friends that I have cancer. I am so lucky that I can attend my meetings.

I am not sure when I will get to acceptance, but I will.

"God grant me Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Chan

Max is My Hero

In 1998, I had the great fortune to travel to the Maritimes with my company to begin investigating the opportunity of distributing natural gas to Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. This was extremely exciting for me, however, for "A" it was difficult being alone. Sometimes for weeks at a time.

During one of my trips, I was in Fredericton representing the company at the Provincial Utility Board Hearing. As usual I called home to check in with "A" to see how things were going. She was lonely and told me she wanted to get a dog to keep her company. I was not a big fan of dogs in the city but I knew I had to compromise somewhat. To tide me over, I told her OK and we would talk about it when I got home on the weekend. Little did I know she had already begun the adoption process. I was home in 2 days and there HE was; Max a adorable yellow Lab Retriever. I was hooked and little did I know he was going to be one of my heroes.

So how does all this relate to prostate cancer? Well, I have done a lot of research on prostate cancer during the past 10 days. Depending upon the grade of cancer and extend to which the cancer has developed, I have 3 options to attack the monster. This includes surgery (removal of the prostate and therefore remove the monster), radiation therapy (fry the monster) and/or hormone treatment (deprive the monster of fuel to grow). My doctor has indicated that all 3 options must be considered.

The last option is the scariest for me. Hormone treatment means testosterone has to be eliminated to from the body. Without testosterone the "monster" is starved and the cancer growth will slow down or stop growing.

Well there are a couple of methods of eliminating testosterone, one is chemical and one is physical. Both methods accomplish the same thing which is (fellows you may want to stop reading here) castration; removal of the family jewels! My knees still shake at the thought of these procedures.

As I have been considering all the options, I usually find Max laying beside me snoring. He get up and goes to the couch and I look at him and then it dawns on me that I would be just like Max! Max was neutered when he was just a pup and he has turned out just fine. He laughs, runs and is still interested in girl dogs.

So if Max can do it ... so can I (if I have to). Woof ... Woof!

Gido

P.S. "A" ... I promise ... I will only chase you!

The Bone Scan ...

Yesterday was the first of a couple of important tests to see if the Monster has grown. I sure hope not.

The day started out with A and I going to the Dixon Centre where I received a radioactive injection and then had to drink at least 3 glasses of fluid and come back in 4 hours.

I am so grateful my gorgeous wife "A" was with me. We actually had great time during those 4 hours. We went looking for jeans in Halifax, Sackville, Bedford and Dartmouth. It seemed like a date! The neat thing about having a killer monster within you, is that you become very grateful for the time you have with loved ones. My "A" is special.

The bone scan was an interesting procedure; I just laid still for 20 minutes while the x-ray machine took photos from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. It was painless, however, it was scary ... I was wondering what the pictures will look like ... will there be dark spots and if there are, I have a bigger problem than just my prostate. During the test procedure I found it a good time to pray ... "God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change; The Courage to Change the Things I Can and The Wisdom to Know the Difference". This prayer seems to cover it all for me.

I will find out more in a week or so when I go back to Dr. B's office.

Today was a good day. I got a few hugs and I had some laughs with co-workers. I went to the office and had a great chat with L. Thanks for the honestly.

I also made an appointment to update my Will with my lawyer. I found this hard to do as it seems I am giving up. Thank God I have a great lawyer; he told me people who have Wills usually live longer than those who don't. Gosh I hope he is right; I really want to believe a lawyer this time!

More tomorrow ...

A New Journey Begins ...

I am hoping this will be a long list of blogs as I document the progress of new journey and challenge. I plan to be honest, open and willing to receive new information. Please say hi once in a while!

It was a week ago today that I heard those terrifying words --- "You have Cancer". It seems the rest of the conversation that I had with the Dr. B was muted. I heard "blah, blah, blah" for the remainder of the conversation, however, I did here something else --- "Your Gleason Score was 9 out of 10. That means it's an aggressive type of cancer."

I received the life changing phone call at home after walking my dog Max. I was in shock and thought I was going to die the next day. I was scared (and still am). I had to wait for a hour and one-half for my "angel" to come home and I knew the conversation would be painful and full of tears. I called my son and told him to come over to help out. I am glad he is close by!. I told her and we all cried a little bit. I then called my daughter W and told her. That was the most painful because I knew W was going to be scared for me. "Dad, I love you" were her comforting words. "I know sweetie, I love you too". Dads really seem to love their daughters a lot ... I know I love mine a lot. A and I didn't sleep at all that night ... it was the longest of nights.

So I have prostate cancer? I think I will call it the "Monster" from now one and I will consider the next few weeks and months (and hopefully years) the next stage of my life and new journey. I also hope my ramblings will assist others and if not, that is OK because I will have a forum to communicate and document my emotions, thoughts and actions.

Last Friday, A and I went to the Dr. B's office to talk about the findings and prognosis. All is not lost, but he did indicate it was going to be busy the next few weeks. I have to study as much as I could and ask lots of questions. The best way to get healthy is to get involved in the solution. Very much like my recovery from alcoholism. Thank God, I am an alcoholic! When I sobered up in 1990, I didn't think that would be a phase I would publish some where, but it sure is a true statement. I have some great friends in my 12 Step Program, in my work life and personal life. If is a wonderful feeling to know others are praying to the God as they understand their God to be.

I think I will stop here. I have a tendency to live in extremes ... "go far or go broke". I will be slowing down and trying to live in the minute and live "One Day at a Time". Besides, I have to be at the hospital for a bone scan in a few minutes. Bye for now.

Testing, testing. 1,2,3.