Today was a roller coaster emotional ride. I experienced a number of old favorites ... joy, despair and self-pity, sometimes all within a few minutes. For me this is very draining and I believe this is part of the process of accepting the "monster" within me.
A few weeks ago, I was able to share some knowledge on the "Acceptance Process" that I have gained during my journey in sobriety. Now I have to practise what I preached; "Walking the talk" so to speak!
I was able to gain this information during my addiction treatment, some at my 12 step meetings, some from my sponsor, some from sponsoring people, some from reading and finally some from a Leadership Development Course I was able to attend at my work. But I learnt the most from my Mom who died of cancer in April 2003. She was an very good teacher. She graduated into the spirit world with acceptance and dignity.
There are 5 stages that I must go through to accept my situation; they are: (1) Denial (2) Anger (3) Bargaining (4) Depression and finally (5) Acceptance. It was an revelation for me to realize that I must go through these emotions and actions whether I lose $5.00, $36,000 or whether I have to accept that I have prostate cancer.
In the past, I used to get stuck on denial and/or anger. However, it caused me lots of problems and it cause everyone around me to be on guard, especially in my family.
Now that I know better, I have to force my self through the stages. I get angry; mostly at God. Not because I question why I have the "monster" but because God has bigger shoulders than my family members. I think God would prefer that I get angry at Him. That has been my experience with God in the past and He has come through many times for me.
I "bargain" by reading and writing and by poking my self in the stomach to see if I have any unusual pains. The problem with poking is that it hurts!
I cry ... I wish I could cry more. Maybe that will come. Last Friday, I was at one of my meetings and I cried when I told my friends that I have cancer. I am so lucky that I can attend my meetings.
I am not sure when I will get to acceptance, but I will.
"God grant me Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Chan
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In Psalms 34 verse 4 the Bible says "I sought the Lord and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
I believe before we have a tragedy or major event enter into our lives we have one kind of relationship with the Lord and then once we are faced with the event we develop another. Sometimes stronger and more profound or maybe we turn away all together.
The Lord knows we are afraid of the journey we have just started and He understands we will be filled with emotions from fear and anger to acceptance or even relief.
Having faith is the key to surviving any major ordeal. Remember, just like with our earthly parents, we can ask for many things of our heavenly Father some we get, some we don't.
The Lord hears our prayers and request and He knows what is best for us. Sometimes like a good parent the answer to our request is NO. We have to trust in Him that He knows what is best for us.
We may not agree with His answer and we may not know the reason why we didn't get the answer or results we were looking for but if we have faith and trust in Him, He will take care of us.
This wasn't meant to be a sermon, just an affirmation of faith. I have not walked in your shoes with cancer but I have been down some long and hard roads. I believe with all my heart that you will be better and stronger if you do not try to get through this on your own. You will learn and grow from this and you will help others, if you keep your faith.
I will pray that your recovery will be swift and complete and that you will emerge stronger and become a help to others. May your heart and eyes be opened to the will of our Lord. Blessings. RM
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