"Hurry Up and Wait"

This is Thursday March 29, 2007 and time seems to be standing still and I seem to be terrified of the phone! I am waiting for a call from Dr. G. or Dr. B. regarding my results from the ST Scan and a confirmation on the results from my X-Ray Bone Scan. I am hoping both results say the the "monster" has confined itself to my prostate. If it has remained in the prostate, it will mean that surgery is a viable option to completely remove the monster cells. This will mean that I would have a good chance of recovery. If the results from the CT Scan and Bone Scan reveal that the cancer has moved, I am in big trouble!

At Dr. G's on Tuesday AM, he called the radiologist and found out that there was a "hot spot" in my left sinus cavity. This could be a result of an infection and I did have a sinus cold a few weeks ago. Gee's I sure hope this is the case. I was fortunate to see Dr. G in the morning because he was able to alter the CT Scan to include a scan of my head. What happens if he finds no brains?

I went to my 12 Step meeting today and one of the topics discussed was living "One Day at a Time". When I sobered up, this was a critical lesson I had to learn. It seems so simple but it is hard to do when I am in a crisis, like I am right now. Living "One Day at a Time" makes a lot of sense; I must focus on what I can do and control right now. I can type on this key board and can pray to the Big Guy. When I do this, I don't worry about the outcome of the tests. However, I seem to be a master at projecting worst case scenarios for the test results and when I do this, I can project myself as being dead by summer! When I do this, I get depressed.

On November 10, 1990, I couldn't image being sober for 1 month. My last drink was on November 9, 1990. I don't think I was sober for a month since I was 10 years old and at that time in November 1990, I just turned 34. My head was spinning as it is now. The first person, I met from the Program (on November 9, 1990) was sober 5 years ... 5 years ... I found that hard to be believe! I vaguely remember asking him how he did that. He said "On Day at a Time". He also asked me if I believed in God; I said "yes". He said "Good. You will need His help".

As I write this, it is jumping out at me that November 9, 1990 and March 12, 2007 have a lot of things in common. On those days, I found out I have an illness, a disease that I have no control over, absolutely NONE. If I use the principles I learnt when I started my journey into sobriety, I will be OK. However, it is hard to "hurry up and wait"; I guess I am just human.