I'm Back ...

I'm back; weak but I'm back.

This is Monday morning and I just got enough energy to get back to the blog. I am not as quick as I was a week ago to move around and get ready for the morning. The new temporary "piping system" I currently have, has a few more leaks than the previous "gas system" I worked on. More on that later in the week.

For some reason, I am scared to start putting words down again. I can't explain it, it just is. I am grateful to be at home. I came home yesterday about noon. I had to get permission from the resident Urologist first. It seems that I had more fluid loss from the surgery than most people. However, the surgeon's indicated they did "a lot" of cutting when they "went in" and they also "hit a couple" of veins that they didn't expect to see. They told me that I have a couple of extra large veins/arteries that are not common to most folks. Looks like they didn't request a line locate first! It is amazing how many common themes are present between installing a natural gas system and a completing a radical prostatectomy.

I had three of the best urologists in the surgery room with me. There is usually one ... but I had 3. It was interesting when a chatted with Dr. B a few weeks ago, he asked me I if it was OK to have his partner/mentor Dr. R in the room when the surgery occurred. I said "Sure, 2 heads are better than 1. He said "No, 4 hands are better than 2". Therefore I had6 hands inside of me ... I hope not all at the same time.

These guys all have a God Given Gift to heal and I would like to thank every for their prayers. I believe every one's prayers for me were answered through Dr. B, Dr. R and Dr. J. and "almost" all the other staff members at the VG 5th floor system.

I say almost, because, I had a problem with a couple of young RN's. I was very disappointed in their attitudes and actions. One young RN made me feel like a second class individual. Her ego and impatience to "get out of there because she had someplace to be" caused me to be in physical pain longer than I had to be. It seems like she enjoyed having the power to control every one's environment. I am still debating if it is worth sending a note to the Capital Health System. I will think about it for another day.

Overall, the urologists told me they were very happy with the surgery. They did a lot of cutting and removing. My old prostate and related items have been send for review to see how big and wide the monster was. The report will be ready in 6 weeks and that is when I find out if I am going to go into the second phase of the recovery ... radiation. Until then, I have to wait a week to get my staples removed, two weeks to get my temporary plumbing removed (catheter removed) and then blood tests in 4 weeks. During this time, my main focus will be on preventing infections and not lifting anything greater than 2 kg to ensure my new "plumbing connected" don't rupture and separate.

Well blog ... I am back, but I actually got tired writing this. I need to take a rest. Fighting the monster is hard work! I am sure I am winning. More later. Again ... thank you everyone for the prayers, visits at the hospital and phone calls. Thanks for looking after "A" for me.

Saturday

Nurse Wendy was the sweetheart who took this picture. She told Gido that I could crawl into bed with him as long as I kept my clothes on. He said, "But I don't know this woman!" Ha, ha! We had a good nap. It was a great way to spend a rainy afternoon.

Gido's Happy Meal Toy

As promised. A photo of Harvey at Chateau Centennial. Unfortunately, he won't be making it home today. They plan to keep him at least until Sunday now. He has a leak that hasn't stopped yet. It flows into a Jackson-Pratt drain. This allows the doctors and nurses to monitor tissue fluid loss in the surgery site and it will be removed once it has stopped draining so much. He was not as weak on Friday as he was on Thursday, but he is in more pain. That was to be expected. Room service leaves a bit to be desired, but the treatment from the doctors has been five star all the way. Still, we don't recommend this as a vacation destination.

Happy 28th Anniversary Baby!

Thursday Night

What a difference a day makes. He is sitting up now. He even walked to the bathroom. They pumped fluid into him all day because he had extremely low blood pressure and very little output. He is in good hands. Today we found out that he should be home by Saturday, his staples will come out in a week, and his catheter will come out in two weeks. (He doesn't like the catheter because it makes him feel like he has to go pee really bad. It irritates the wall of the bladder.) His incision is about six inches long. It "burns" when he moves. His mouth feels really dry. He is in amazing good spirit. Actually, we both feel a sense of relief. In six weeks he will retake a blood test to check the PSA level and receive the results of the biopsy. He feels in his heart that everything will be alright and I choose to believe him. He wants me to say Thank You to all of you. (I'll take the camera tomorrow.) Ciao.

Round One...

Gido-1, Monster-0! It has been a very long day. He looks good, kind of pale, he lost a lot of blood. For a big man he looks so tiny laying in that bed and seeing him like that was the only thing that made me cry today. It will be awhile before we know how things turned out, but initial indications are good. He will only be in the hospital for a couple of days and that's a good thing, because I still can't work the vcr and I have no idea why we need four remotes, he is the only one who knows what I like for supper, and he is the only one I want. Love, Angel

H-Hour minus 4

Today is the day and it would be a lie if I did not say I was anxious about what is going to happen this afternoon. A friend of mine from Alberta called me to wish me the best and he also gave me a mission. He wanted to know if I would have a dream when I am under the anesthesiologist spell. I really don't know and I will find out if I can and provide an answer later this week after the surgery is done.

Even though I am fearful, the fear is really originating from not knowing for sure if the the monster is spread past the prostate gland. If it hasn't I am sure my capable Dr. B and Dr. R will remove what is necessary. Just thought of this ... I sure hope those 2 gents were not partying last night! Hope they got a better night sleep than "A" and I.

I must say that yesterday was a very special day. "A" and I had a chance to do a bit of shopping for things I will be needing, like "Depends", alcohol swaps and alcohol, hand sanitizers and a night gown. During this outing to the MicMac Mall we decided to take one of our grandson's with us ... Demetrius. I am so glad I did. He reminded me why I would like to stay around for many years. We need to go to Disneyland with all the boys and girl, so we picked up a brochure to start dreaming.

We completed our shopping by the Moirs Chocolate Outlet Factory and Demetrius was fascinated with all the chocolate. He was able to taste a free sample and enjoyed it immensely. You could see it on his face ... he was all chocolate. When we dropped him off, I felt good that I had this young man to love and I knew without a shadow of a doubt he loved me. He gave me the best "chocolate hug" ever. I am looking for more hugs from all the grand kids ... Dustin, Aaliyah and Bohdan in the future.

But for now, I need to focus. Take a shower and begin my journey to the Castle to see the Wizards. Also known and the Halifax VG and Dr. B, Dr. R and Dr. G.

"A" is planning to update tomorrow's blog for me. Good-bye everyone :)

One More Sleep!

Well the count down reminds me of Christmas and it might be. It really depends what my doctors find when they do some exploring tomorrow and open up the "package". Hopefully it will be good news and they can remove the "monster" completely.

I had a great day yesterday. It is amazing what can happen when I am just a bit proactive and meet with people. I had wonderful meeting with a friend of mine who is also battling his own monster. JC has a wonderful attitude on life and his current situation. He is a true inspiration for a person like me.

After my AM coffee meeting with JC, I went to my office to celebrate 30 years of company service for a friend of mine. However, I was very surprised. The folks at the office also gave me a "get well collage" and a inspiration book. The collage was full of picture of the past 4 years and brought back great memories. This was wonderful and it certainly uplifted my spirit to a new level. What was most interesting and very touching was looking into people eyes as they spoke to me or offered me a hug. It seems when the "going gets tough" people REALLY care. My God, I was looking into peoples souls and I knew they were concerned for me and "A". That is such a nice feeling and I owe you guys so much. All I can say is THANK YOU; THANK YOU and THANK YOU.

In the evening, I also had the opportunity to be a speaker at the Downtown Dartmouth Group meeting. This was another gift. I was able to share my past and present; what it was like, what happened and what it is like now. When ever I do this and share from the heart, I most certainly get closer to the Higher Power. For a moment last night, it was OK that I was sick. It actually would have been OK if that was the last thing I ever did (I know "A" won't like this). I was in a state of Serenity; that precious commodity when I feel OK with my life. Thank you every one for giving me this gift!

I just received a phone call. I have to check into the VG - Halifax Hospital tomorrow at 10:45 AM. What an adventure!

Two More Sleeps ...

As I woke up this morning, I realized that I have 2 more sleeps before I get to go the hospital for my surgery to remove the monster. I am glad this is happening so quickly. The waiting is painful. My mind plays games with me and I can have a "big time" meeting in my head. At this meeting I go over the good, the bad and the ugly of my situation many times and I can play through many different scenarios. It can get complicated very fast.

I am fortunate I have kept busy these past few weeks. Everything seemed to fall into place as best it could. Since I found out I had the monster on March 12, I seemed to get into action with a number of medical tests and procedures. I completed a bone scan, a CT Scan, did a lot of blood work, seen a hematologist, had several meetings with my Urologists in Halifax and family physician and I even arranged a second medical opinion with a Urologist in Regina. All this resulted in a 5 hour pre-operation session last week. This was all the work related to dealing with the monster.

In between all this, I was able to go to (drive) Ottawa during Easter week and celebrate my grandson's first birthday and install a new sliding patio door for my son-in-law and daughter. I also had a chance to visit the War Museum in Ottawa and I need to go back because I did not see it all. As if this was not enough, I took a drive with my son across most of Canada (Dartmouth to Regina) and visited my sister and AA friends. This was an excellent trip. To top this off, I just finished a busy weekend and installed 4 new high efficient windows. I thought I would do this later this year however, it would be difficult with my upcoming surgery.

Thank God for this activity. To top this off, I was reminded at my Sunday 12 step meeting that I committed to speak at tonight's meeting. What a gift ... really. I get to publicly tell my story and express my gratitude for sobriety and also share my fears. I might even cry in public ... wouldn't that be nice. God please allow me to speak freely and truthfully at this meeting and I pray my words can be of assistance to someone at this meeting.

More tomorrow ...

What are you doing with that small knife HONEY?

I am one lucky guy!

The reason I say this is because of my "A". On April 28 (next Saturday), I will have been married to sweetheart for 28 consecutive years. I say "consecutive" for a reason. Not all of the time has been pleasant however, we were able to move though the difficult parts of our marriage "one step at a time" and "one day at a time". I am sure my better half would concur, specially during my drinking career. I was not a nice person to be with and heaven knows, if I was "A" during those early years of our relationship I would have left. However, I am glad she is still with me and holding my hand as I do battle with the "monster".

This Wednesday will be a big day for me and "A". At 1:00 pm, I will be turning my life over to the care of 2 individuals that I have just met (Dr. B and Dr. R) . In fact I did not know them last year! However, they will have complete power over me along with some other fine and capable people at the Victoria General hospital.

And I am so glad it is them who are taking over control of my well being and not my precious "A". This morning as I was getting my coffee, I was looking over the shoulder of my "A" as she was looking at one more prostate web site. "What are you looking at now?" I asked. "Oh nothing" she answered. "Just looking to see what we can expect and what are the next steps in your treatment after the surgery". My "A" is doing more homework on my issue than I am. And this is a blessing ... really. She is a very smart person and wants to know everything. She wants to understand my bloodwork, the different types of surgeries and the possible complications of each option. She would do a DRE if I would let her and I think she would enjoy it ... well maybe. As we were joking about her interest in our issue, it came to my mind ... " I wonder if she would go as far as actually removing the monster?" If she could and if she knew everything would turn out alright (by the way she looks a horoscopes), I bet she would. That is love, pure and simple. Needless to say, I am glad Wednesday is fast approaching and I will be letting 2 strangers take control instead of "A".

Sorry "A", I will make it up to you soon. I will give you a kiss next Saturday, April 28.

Pre-Op Boot Camp

Well I am confirmed for surgery. The monster is scheduled to be taken out next Wednesday, April 25th. The surgery is currently scheduled for 1:00 pm and I have to be at the hospital 3 hours before hand.

To get to this point, I had to go through a "Pre-Op Boot Camp" yesterday; Five hours at the Victoria General Hospital in Halifax. Although this seemed like a long time, I am glad for the experience. The folks (nurses and anesthesiologist doctor) were excellent. I had to give blood (once more), register my weight (I have lost about 13 pounds), measure my height (I have grown 1/2 an inch ... I don't understand this one) and answer a bunch of questions including if I was suffering from depression. This last one is a tough one. I am not sure if I am depressed. I told the nurse that "my world was NOT black" but that I get scared every once in a while. I guess this should be normal.

My visit with nurse was the most special. What seems typical for Nova Scotia is that you can become friends with almost anyone. Bluenosers are similar to stubble jumpers; you can get to know someone in 20 minutes if you want to. The nurse and I talked about skiing a lot. I told her I was from Saskatchewan and she said she loved the west, especially the Rockies. She loved to ski and she has skied Lake Louise, Sunshine and Fernie. As we talked it seemed that I was skiing once again. What a nice trip! I used to work in Fernie when I was going to university during my first COOP work term. That was my very first adventure away from Saskatchewan and it was wonderful.

My visit with the nurse was about 1 1/2 hours and I think she was trying to find out about my mental health more than anything. Surgery is scary and she did a wonderful job of reassuring me that I was in capable hands with Dr. B and Dr. R. She said they are very capable young surgeons; they are technically competent and committed to their patients. She had nothing but glowing remarks for Dr. B. But here is how I knew she was telling me the truth. She told me that Dr. B. is cute! He could work on her anytime. Now I am not sure what that meant however, if Dr. B want to play around with my plumbing next week, I guess that will be OK.

The nurse also "buttered me up" by saying I have good oxygen capacity and I have an excellent EKG, excellent blood pressure (118/76) and a good heart rate (70 bpm). I guess walking Max around Lake Banook is paying off. The nurse thought that I was "walking around raindrops" and when I heard this ... I got goosebumps. Maybe the raindrops are tears ... I know I have shed a few and so has my "A".

After 5 hours of being in boot camp I left. The nurse tracked me down as I was leaving to shake my hand. We hugged instead. Thank-you "nurse" ... I will see you next week. I will remember to ask your name.

Off to See the "Wizard's Castle"

I am entering the "system". At 10:00 am this morning I will begin the process to have my operation next week. A "pre-op" admission complete with "driving and living" instructions. They are me to bring all my pills (mostly vitamins) to this mornings meeting so they know how their drugs will react with mine. I am guessing they will tell me to stop anything that can "thin" my blood.

I was at the hematologist's office yesterday for about 3 hours. One of my previous diagnosis (1o years ago) was that I have a disease called Von Willebrand disease. This causes a problem because my blood had a tendency not to clot and obviously if I am going into an operation, a non-clotting blood has no advantages! So I gave a number of blood samples and I they preformed a number of tests. At the end of the day, I received a phone call and all is well. My blood profile falls within the range of a normal person ... geez does that feel good saying that I am normal (at least partly normal).

What I found most interesting is the improvement in the science of medicine. When I was with the hematologist, Dr. R., I described to her the test I took. The test, about 10 years ago, was done by cutting my forearm with a small shape blade and then a nurse would "time the bleed" to see how long it took for the small wound to stop bleeding on its own. When Dr. R. heard this, she smiled and said: "That's what we did a long time ago. We have come a long way since then and can now do a simple blood test to determine the problem." What this told me was that medicine is being advanced at an expodential rate.

This is good for me. Maybe having 2 young doctors doing the surgery on me next week is not so bad. Maybe they know what they are doing the "Wizard's Castle". I am off right now to see the "Castle". Back tomorrow.

I'm back to face the "Monster"

This past 2 weeks have been a whirl wind experience and reality is catching up with me. I have been in Ottawa twice to see my grandson, son-in-law and daughter. I have also traveled from Nova Scotia to Regina with my son by car. It seemed like a "cannon-ball" run movie and it was fun. I had a chance to visit with some friends who were available and reconnected to my old and future life. To all those folks I didn't get a chance to say hi to, I am sorry; this was my loss. I only had a very short period of time. Next trip for sure.

Now I am back. I woke up this morning to a kiss from "A". It startled me a bit. She was going off to work and wanted to say good-bye and "see you later". As I started to wake up, I realized I was going to have another busy day. I have to go an see a hematologist at the VG II complex. I am not expecting any surprises, however, this monster certainly has kept me on my toes!

I just got off the phone with Dr. B's office and I was told the paper work has been filed with the Operating Room. I have my surgery next Wednesday. I will be getting another phone call for "pre-op" instructions soon! Surprising, I am not as scared as I thought I would be. Maybe denial, maybe all the prayers from others and me are working. Probably a combination of everything that has happened in the past couple of weeks.

Yesterday when I was leaving Regina it was very early in the morning. I was up at 3:30 AM and my sister "L" said she wanted to drive me to the airport. I was willing to catch a cab but she insisted. As we travelled to the airport, which is about a 10 minute drive, I took the opportunity to thank her for some words she shared with me. She told me not to worry (too much) and she also shared her perspective about impacts of the possible side effects of the operation. For her, having her husband around was most important thing; period. This comforted me.

As she dropped me off, she came to the back of vehicle where I was gathering my bags. I could see that her eyes were gathering some tears. You just know when someone loves you; their eyes focus and you can see their soul. As I was going to put my arms around her to give her that hug, she opened up her hand and wanted to give me something.

It was a toonie, dirt and all.

She found it one of her recent walks. It still had clumps of Saskatchewan clay on it. I then knew the tears were not only hers, but my Dad's and Mom's as well. Thanks "L"; I won't spend it!

The Second Opinion

I was able to see another Urologist in Regina today (the second opinion) ... Dr. T. He is a specialist in laparoscopic surgery and was kind enough to squeeze me in at the end of the day. I had to wait for about 2 hours but he did see me.

The problem I have is that my Gleason Score is a 9 (out of 10). This means the monster is aggressive and the doctors primary focus is to remove the cancer and not sparing the nerve. If the Gleason Score would be a 6 or less then there would be an attempt to save the nerve.

I was hoping that Dr. T would give me some hope and tell me that he would recommend saving the nerve that allows guys to "full around". That he would perform the specialized surgery. However, his question for me was the same as my doctors in Halifax ... do you want the capability to have an erection or do you want to live without the "monster".

Dr. T. indicated the advantage of laparoscopic surgery was the decreased recovery time. Less cutting therefore quicker healing. The effectiveness of "open surgery" versus laparascopic surgery are the same; both procedures are very effective and offer a high probability of success to remove the "monster".

Dr. T asked me if I am comfortable with my surgeon(s). I am comfortable with the Dr. B and Dr. R of Halifax. What impressed me most with these 2 guys is there commitment to my care and their empathy regarding the side effects of the surgery. Dr. B always looked me in the eye when he answered my questions or "A"'s questions. He told me he would give me the very best care he could. I trust him. I have come to the conclusion that maybe all this is happening with God's guidance. I hope so.

A friend of mine summarized it best today ... "it sucks".

Maybe, just maybe, the surgery will have a better result than I expect. I have one week to pray. "God grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT CHANGE; the COURAGE to CHANGE the things I CAN and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE".

As I write this, I just found out about the tragedy in Virgina. I pray for the families that lost love ones. It puts my issue into perspective.

I am back in Nova Scotia tomorrow. Can's wait to see "A", the boys and Gloria.

"Mans Search for Meaning"

Today was a very good day in Regina.

I had opportunity to be with family and friends and also go to a couple of my 12 steps meetings. I feel lucky to have the support of these people, especially my old friends from the Fellowship Group. This is a group of people who "say it like it is" but also say truthful things with kindness and understanding. We laughed together and also cried together this morning. I found out another good friend of mine just found out he has also prostrate cancer. He will be going for radiation treatment soon. His attitude was priceless; he stopped feeling sorry for himself. He is grateful for the fact he was given a over 20 years of sobriety and this is just another challenge. It also gives him an valid excuse ... "Not tonight honey, I have a headache". I guess I will be able to use that one now.

I also spent some time with another friend. We talked about the future and what we wanted to experience before we die. I told DP that I wanted to live long enough to present one of my grand kids an "Iron Ring". This would be special. DP then told me I should tell the "monster" that I am not ready to give in ... I have a mission to complete.

This reminded me of a book I once read. It was written by Viktor Frankl and is called "Man's Search for Meaning" and was a very powerful book. Mr. Frankl was in a WWII Concentration Camp. He needed a reason to survive the torture and death camp. When he found a future dream that was so important to live for, he found the courage and internal strength to survive the brutality of everyday life. He found his "meaning". Maybe I have found my :meaning"? The monster will have to wait for a while; 15-20 years to be exact. That's when Dustin should be finishing university and hopefully he will be completing an engineering degree.

So to the monster: "Sorry, you will have to wait a while before you take me. I will be having someone take you out soon. April 25th to be exact." Don't know if this outcome will come true; only God knows that. I pray for the Acceptance of the outcome.

We Made It

Wow, what a great trip from Dartmouth to Regina. It was 4300 km in 57 hours. A lot of talking and a few laughs with my son. It was a great way to keep my mind off of the monster situation! However, I did get another phone call from the hematology department at the VG Hospital. I am scheduled to talk to another doctor about the blood work I gave this past Wednesday. Hope all the blood comes out fine.

My "A" confirmed that I am scheduled for surgery on April 25. I will be praying that God will guide the hands of the great surgeons that have been placed in my path. I still am wrestling with the fact that I will be "out of commission" after the surgery. Self pity is a horrible emotion and I find it hard to get rid of. I have to work hard to put things into perspective.

I received a great e-mail from a friend of mine in Alberta who also had prostate cancer. I am hoping to get permission to post his comments because I was amazed how close his thoughts and feelings are so similar to mine. What I found most encouraging about his e-mail was the sense of hope I felt after reading his comments. If he gives me permission, I will post his comments for those interested in some of the statistics regarding prostate cancer in Canada.

I will be meeting with another friend of mine tomorrow AM to discuss "why this happened to me?". I am sure he will tell me, it did not just happen and I am not being punished by the "Big Guy". This is just another "bump in the road". More tomorrow.

I miss you "A".

The Road Trip

Today is a special day for me. I have a chance to spend a few days with my son in the confines of an automobile. We can't separate unless he leaves me at a restroom in Ontario someplace. And if he does, he can only go a few hundred km's before he needs me. I have the money and sponsoring this adventure. No money ... no gas.

We started the trip bright and early this morning (Thursday April 13) leaving Dartmouth at 6:00 AM. We made good time until we hit a snow storm in Montreal at about supper time. We are still in the this storm and hopefully we will be in Ottawa at Winter’s place before midnight.

I find it interesting spending time with my son. What do we talk about? Not much really. I am enjoying the company of this young man. This is a guy who have give me the emotional ride of a life time; from deep lows during his teenage years to a Dad bursting with pride because he has shown me that he has “turned a corner” with his life. I can see he is now a man. He is also a father and this has helped him grow up.

Where was I when I was 26? Well I was in living in Medicine Hat, Alberta working in the natural gas industry. I thought I was doing well, however, compared to my son I was not doing well at all. I was lost in "the bottle" and living in a lot of fear. I was just telling my son that the fear I currently have is similar to the lost feeling I had those may years ago. I first was introduced to my 12 step program in Medicine Hat. I got into some trouble and was given the name of an individual who I went to see. I was so scared that I had to take my son with me; he was 2 years old. How's that for being a “chicken”?

It seems my life has different chapters … a new one every 17 years or so. Definitely a new one is starting for me. The monster has seen to that. I am glad my son is with me once again. I love you Harvey Son and thanks for taking me along this adventure!

Thanks to everyone for your prayers. I friend of mine who is also dealing with his own "monster" recently told me that "God and Prayer combined with Medicine and Doctors" is a winning combination. Much appreciated and most welcome.

The Results Are In ...

Just got back from the doctor offices; There is some very good news and some not so good news.

Good news: Both tests, the bone x-ray scan and the CT scan of my head and pelvic area indicate the cancer has not spread and is contained to the prostate. This means surgery is possible to remove the cancer. I talked to two Urologists in Halifax and both recommend surgery and then radiation therapy to ensure all cancer cells are dealt with. The problem I have is the cancer is a high grade of cancer and this means they have to act quickly and the surgeons have to cut a lot. Surgery is scheduled for April 25.


Bad news: Because I have a high grade of cancer, both doctors here believe laparoscopic surgery is not really an option and I will have to have "open surgery". Also, because of the grade of the cancer, they will be aggressive to remove all the cancer and they will not be able to spare the nerves that allow for an erection. This is the bad news ... looks like my love life will change forever after April 25.

So the choice is ... do I want to "fool around" or "live"?

My doctor (Dr. B) has also been in touch with Dr. T in Regina who is a laparosopic surgeon to see if I can get a second opinion. There is a possibility of me seeing the Regina doctor on Monday April 17th; however, I don't expect any more information. It seems that because of the high grade of cancer, nerve sparing surgery is not realistic.

I am taking advantage of the time from now to my surgery to get to know my son a bit more. We are going to be taking a car trip from Nova Scotia to Saskatchewan beginning tomorrow AM. I am looking forward to this.

My tentative plan is to fly back to Halifax on Wednesday April 18.

I love you "A". Sorry about this.

Making Memories

I am back at home and mostly waiting for my appointment tomorrow. Yesterday, I was glad to have the company of my grandson Dustin with me. He is a hoot and I enjoy his company. It is great spending a day with him to take my mind off the "monster". I seem to go to the worst case scenarios when I think about the next couple of weeks. That is ... I will be dead soon.

So I try and "make memories" with my grandson(s). I heard this expression a couple of years ago when I was at one of my 12 step meeting. This very wise woman, May, would say she was going to "make memories" with her grand kids on that specific weekend. What a wonderful gift; it's can be inexpensive and last a life time.

Yesterday we made some more memories. Dustin needed a haircut and off we went to the "barber". However, Dustin had other plans and he whispered in my ear "Gido ... I have a plan. After the haircut, we can go and get a kids meal. Does that sound like a plan Gido?" He said this so his grandma couldn't hear. He wanted this to be our little adventure. This was our plan and it was a good one.

So off we went, a haircut, a happy meal and hopefully a lifetime memory for both of us! It cost me $4.16 and two hours of my life. A good deal I think.

Back to Reality!

This past week has been a good one. I spent the week in Ottawa with my daughter, her husband and my grandson. This time was special. One advantage when faced with a life threatening disease is that I have the opportunity and awareness to slow down and force myself into enjoying "time and space". For example, I has some of the best 15 to 20 minutes of the week, just riding the bus with my daughter. I had a meeting to go to in downtown Ottawa and I was planning on driving to the meeting, however, Winter said I should catch the bus ... it is cheaper, quicker and better for the environment. Made sense, so I caught the bus.

I didn't realize how proud I am of this young lady. She has grown into a very beautiful young women who is definitely enjoying her life with her great husband and her son. I liked sitting beside her and just looking at her. I am definitely coming to realize and truly accepting that my children and their children are my legacies in this world and not necessarily the "other stuff" I seem to think is important.

When we got off the bus in downtown Ottawa, she walked me to Sparks Street, showed me were her work was and pointed me in the direction to walk. Before we left, we hugged. I also took this special occasion to say once again that "I loved her". My daughter didn't talk about the "monster" while I was in Ottawa with me. She just asked how I was feeling and I was feeling just great. I sensed she was scared a bit, so saying I loved her was important to me.

The week also included the installation of a new sliding door, which I enjoyed working with my son-in-law and enjoying my grandson's first birthday on April 4th. I love both of them! We laughed a lot and took pictures. We also did a great job on installing that door. I want to see Boh grow up and am hoping God will give me lots of time.

"A", I also enjoyed spending time with you. I really enjoyed out lunch meetings. This is another blessing for me during this scary time. I am spending more time with "A" than I have in the past 3 1/2 years in Nova Scotia. I certainly don't like the situation I am in and nobody said I had to like it ... maybe I am getting to acceptance?

So back to reality ... this Wednesday will be a interesting day. I get to see my Urologist and his colleague, another Urologist. I am hoping to get information on the test results and discuss treatment options. I sure hope this monster is contained!

Today in Ottawa

Yesterday was a good day. I rarely thought about the monster. The only time it came to mind was when I checked my home message manager. Dr. B's office called and wanted to change my meeting time ... from Tuesday April 10 to April 11. So I will go on Wednesday to see what the next steps will be.

Overall I am feeling not bad except for a few minor pains in my stomach area, which I am attributing to walking and trying to run. One of my goals is to lose weight for the operation. Fat seems accumulate around the prostate area and belly ... surprise, surprise. The goal I was given was to lose 20 to 30 pounds which I find a huge challenge. However, the monster has given me motive!

I am in Ottawa this week enjoying the company of my daughter, son-in-law and other grandson. At the grandson's birthday on Sunday, W and J had their friend's over. For the first time in a long time, I felt my age! These were very young people and they weren't babies!

So today, I will try and enjoy the day as is unfolds. That is one thing this crisis has given me --- the opportunity to look at time as a "present". I hope I will never lose sight of this awakening.

April Fools ... I wish!

On Friday, "A" and I sat around the house waiting for a phone call which never came. It is funny how I can become scared of a phone call. Since the CT Scan that occurred on Tuesday, I have been waiting for a call regarding the results. During the meeting with Dr. G, I found out that the bone scan x-ray was "generally good". That is, there were no indications that the monster moved to my bones around my hips or backbone. This, from what I understand, is where the cancer will go first, if it begins to move. This is not guaranteed, however, this is generally the progression. When I was at Dr. G's, he was kind enough to be proactive and call the radiologist to find out the results first hand. This is an awkward position. He is one the phone, talking about the results and "A" and I were trying understand the conversation, even though we could hear only one side of the story. At one point, they were discussing a "hot spot" in my left sinus area. "It doesn't usually mastitis there, does it?". "A" said she was going to faint when we heard this comment.

The question that I am waiting to hear the answer for is if the cancer moved to my head area. Gees I hope not. The funny thing is that my left eye has been "twitching" uncontrollably for a while. I think it has been doing this for quite a while, however, I am starting to think this has just started about a month ago. Can it be the twitching is related to the monster. Dr. G. indicated the "hot spot" can be the result of a sinus infection and I did have a bad sinus infection in January. I am hoping this is what is. But I have to wait for the results of the CT Scan.

The good news was I was able to expand the CT Scan to my head area. The original test was just for my abdomen area but Dr. G. made a couple of calls to make this happen. This was great.

On Friday, "A" and I waited for a phone call. We decided that if no phone came, we wouldn't sit and wait. We would make a trip to Ottawa as we originally planned in January. On April 5, out grandson Boh will be celebrating his first birthday. So we made the trip yesterday and arrived in Ottawa at midnight. It was a very good trip with Max and "A". We didn't say much ... we just kept each other company.

When I woke up today, I wondered if all this could be a April Fools joke. I wish it was.

I just finished a snooze and dreamt everything was OK. I guess it is. I just woke up to noise downstairs. W and J are having the official birthday party for Boh and they invited their friends to come over and recognize my grandson's first year of life. He is turning out to be a miracle kid. I will give him hug and kiss today and wish him a great first year birthday.