Today in Ottawa ...

The trip to Ottawa on Thursday AM was very good. When I got to Winter's house I wanted to update the blog but I had some technical difficulty. I couldn't get logged into Justin's account. Looks like it was a problem with the service provider and not Godo.

It has been good to get away for a few days and try and forget the upcoming radiation therapy. Staying at Winter and Justin's has been fun so far. I get to spend time with Boh, but really "A" is doing almost all the supervision with this little guy.

Yesterday morning, however, I went for a long walk with Max and Boh around the CHEO (Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario) facility. It was great hour to spend. As we walked through the CHEO facility, I was noticing the signs and seen that there was a Cancer Center for Children. It seems that word (cancer) is everywhere! I was saddened to think that small people have to face this monster. It is tough fenough or an older guy like me, but such is life. When I see facts like this; children facing adult problems, it puts me into gratitude mode for a while. I have nothing to complain about ... really.

The Mapping Begins on August 7th ...

I feel like a new continent; a new world. I am going to be explored and mapped on August 7th, 2007.

I received a call from the Nova Scotia Cancer Clinic yesterday. It was a phone call I was honestly hoping "they" would forget to make. I was in the wonderful state of denial again; nothing wrong with me! She told me "I begin the radiation therapy process at 1:00 pm on August 7.". Be there and be empty was her message. Being empty of course means I have to take a laxative the night before to make sure my the intestines and colon are empty before I get mapped.

Mapping is the first step of this process. The good folks at the Cancer Clinic and Dr. H. must where to "shoot" the radiation gun. This obviously seems like a smart thing to do. They will mark me with a small tattoo (or target) to make the process easier in the future. Once this is completed, the Oncologist will plan a strategy for the treatment; how many sessions, what dose of radiation and how "wide" a swathe the beam should be. Once that is determined, all I have to do is wait for a spot to get into the radiation queue. I am not sure when the sessions will begin, but I am assuming sometimes in mid to late August and Dr. H has committed to having my radiation therapy completed no later than December 1. Wow, fighting the monster is taking a lot of time, isn't it!

I was told there are 150 patients being treated every day at the Dixon Centre in Halifax and the radiation machine operates from 7:00 AM to 5:30 PM every day, Monday to Friday. That is a lot of people, so I better not be late when I find out my weekly time slot!

"A", Max and I are off to Ottawa soon to see Boh, Justin and Winter for a few days. In fact, we are going to babysit the little man for a couple of days while his Mom and Dad are away camping. This will be great. One thing I have learnt from this "monster episode" is that I want to take advantage of every moment I get with family, especially the grandkids. They are true human legacies.

More tomorrow.

Thank you friends at Heritage Gas ...

It would like to acknowledge the great efforts of my co-workers. The are a GREAT support to me and "A".

In June, my friends, Allison, (Engineer in Training) and Ray, (President), took it upon themselves to form a relay team and participate in the Relay for Life event in Halifax. Their efforts helped raised a whopping $12,000 toward the fight against "monsters" like mine. I will be forever grateful to folks like this.

I was also honored to participate in the event. I am lucky to have such great support from a company like Heritage Gas!

Thank you everyone.

It was a photo finish ...

I have to say that I am very grateful for everything that has happened to me since March 12, 2007. That was the day, the good Dr. B. called me at 5:30 pm to let me know he had the results back from my prostate biopsy. "You have cancer; blah, blah, blah ... blah". He didn't say the "blah thing", but that was what I heard. My mind really went a little blank and all I could think of ... was how long I had to live.

This "ride" with the monster has been a roller coaster. All my senses have been sharpened. My emotions have bounced around like a pin ball machine; my spiritual journey in life has been elevated and I am getting closer to "the top of the mountain". Finally, I have been able to appreciate the little (and big) gratitude's that come my way. This is one of them.

A while back, just after my operation on April 25, I whined a lot about one of the consequences of the having a prostatectomy ... incontinence. To tell you the truth, I never heard of this word before, therefore I never knew what it meant. It means, that if I am incontinent, I pee my pants! And did you know that there are isles in grocery stores that sell a product to protect against this physical problem? And it is not in the new born section.

The first time I had to buy a package of these "things", I thought every one at Superstore was looking at me. It didn't bother me when I bought my 1 1/2 year old grandson diapers, but it was hard to explain that he was using the XL version of this product, especially when XL referred to waste size 42 -54.

Well those humble days (I think) are behind me. In May, to make the bladder control race a bit more fun, I had challenged my grandson's (Demetrius and Bohdan) on who could master this physical challenge. The winner would have bragging rights for the remainder of 2007. I am 50, Demetrius is almost 2 and Boh is just past 1. It was close; almost a photo finish. I know that Grandma was just starting to get Metro to use the "pottie" before he left for Regina a couple of weeks ago. I know Grandma wasn't helping me and I am pretty sure Grandma didn't take any pictures. I am not sure where Boh is on his bladder control journey, but I will find out later this week.

To make a long story short, I think Gido won the race. This past weekend, I went commando (i.e. diaper free) for the first time since the morning of April 25. What a great feeling to have control back. Thank you Max for taking me on walks every morning and thank you Metro and Boh for being such fierce competitors! It all helped.

Radiation ... Here we Come!

I thought I would get lucky. I thought I they would tell me ... you're done; all we have to do is monitor the PSA bloodwork every 6 months to make sure the monster is gone. I thought it would be that simple.

It was not. I need to complete radiation therapy; 33 trips to the cancer clinic if my memory serves me correct. I have to make the phone call today to begin the process.

The good doctor(s) told me yesterday that because I have an agressive type of prostate cancer (Gleason Score of (3+5)=8), they strongly recommended I complete the phase II of the cancer recovery program.

I trusted Dr. R. when he recommended radicial prostectomy to cut me open and remove the monster. I just I will trust him with this advise. He is an Assistance Professor at Dalhousie and I am not. He also indicated that radiation should not impact my ability to fly a flag in the future. He thought my chances were nil then and they would be nil after the radiation. He was, however, surprised that the medication I was given to "practise" did created some results; not much mind you, but some results. A flag would have been flying at 1/4 mast, so to speak. Maybe I am different? They did find and cut 2 artiries that aren't typically in the body. Maybe there is a "flag pole" nerve that was escaped the knife?

I am not angry, just sad. I am also grateful. I have been feeling so good lately (with the exception of getting poor sleep) that I thought I was home free (so to speak). I guess the "forced" exercise I am doing with Max is paying off and this physical activity assists with recovery from the monster.

I am sure the radiation is just an insurance policy, an Eviction Policy to make sure the monster is completely kicked out! Would I buy that Policy? I sure would.

So next steps:

- Harvey to continue praying in the morning; every morning;
- Arrange radiation treatments sessions ... Harvey to call NS Cancer Center today;
- Attend daily radiation treatments and be punctual;
- Meet with Dr. R. in mid-November;
- Pray in the evening and find gratitude.

More tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the day ... July 19

I am not sure what to expect tomorrow. I am sure everything will be just fine and the good Dr. R. will tell me what is best for me. He has given me good advice so far and I will trust that God will direct Dr. R.'s thoughts and conversation. I will pray about it today and tomorrow morning and probably in the washroom at the hospital. My prayers will be for exceptance. I have been very fortunate so far.

Today I had a great meeting with JC who is also fighting his own monster. I am amazed how close people get when they/we are faced with a same critical issue. Past issues are forgotten and prayers flow freely. When someone says they will say a prayer for you or me, I have come to realize it is one of the greatess gifts possible. Because maybe, just maybe, the God as each one of us understands is listening and will assist the person we are praying for.

JC ... I pray everything will be just fine for you in August. You are an inspiration to me.

Back to the Grind ...

The past couple of weeks have been very busy and I haven't had the opportunity to keep up with my blogging. Within a 7 day period, I have returned to the Great Province of Saskatchewant twice and made a offer to purchase on a 20 years old home that is worth an equivalent of 4,000 m of installed gas line pipeline in Nova Scotia. What I am trying to say ... the cost surprized me (and depressed me). I guess the people are just finding out that Regina is a nice place to live.

During all the excitement of the move situation, I have used my medical situation (recovery from the monster) as a touchstone bring myself back to reality. All the excitement, fear and dispair that is associated with a long distant move is just process. What really counts for me is living in the present space I occupy; this means I have been working "hard" to stay in the day, the hour, the minute. When I do this, everything is fine. When we were at the bank arranging for the mortgage details, I realized that I am no longer a good bet for life insurance. The monster seems to impact my life in many ways; some good and some bad!

With all this being said, there werw a couple suttle awakings that occured when I was in Regina. I went to see me grandkids and found out, they also need to make adjustments to the move back to Regina. They were a mad at "A" and I at first, but they warmed up to us when we visited the second time. Everything is OK when I am with them. Little do they know that they, the grandkids, are part of my future vision; the reason for my being; my search for meaning.

They give me a reason to do the little things that help me recover and get me motivated to keep up my exercise schedule. Thank you Dustin, Demetrius, Bohdan and Aaliyah!

Off to buy a castle ... Maybe ...

This has been quite a week. It has been busy but not as stressful as the week before.

"A" and I are off to Regina in about 2 hours to go and see a home that we may purchase. It seems the move back to the prairies is turning out just fine. I am amazed how the Big Guy can help out when I just live in the moment and do the things in front of me. Within a one week period I will have traveled to Regina twice, made an offer on a home, seen my family doctor and started packing for the return to the Great Province of Saskatchewan.

During all this activity it is easy to forget that I am still dealing with the monster. Well maybe. I am hoping that the monster is gone; I seem to sense that but it could be wishful thinking. We will see next week. I go to see the Urologist who performed my surgery and I will get my second and third PSA results. Dr. R's opinion on whether or not I should say yes to radiation therapy.

My main concerns with the radiation treatment are two fold: (1) the radiation can potentially damage the new connections of the urethra to the bladder and (2) radiation may completely negate any chance of f"lying a flag" in the future. July 19 will be an important meeting.

I will provide an update from Regina. We are off to the airport!

The move has begun ...

Since my last entry, I have been to Saskatchewan and back. I have looked at several houses and reconnected to old friends. It was a great trip and I am looking forward to another chapter in my life.

I am not sure why, but it seems that every 4 years has some major changes in my life. I mean major. This year, 2007, I find myself moving back to Saskatchewan, fighting the monster and fighting for my life. In 2003, I moved to Nova Scotia. But just 6 weeks before the move, both Mom and Dad passed away. This was devastating! Then in 1999, I had to deal with a family member's addiction and I had to spend more time in a treatment centre.

When I was in Regina last week, I met with my friend DP and he certainly can put things into perspective for me. I have to accept people, places and things. Sometimes I have to forgive as well. I am living in God's world, the best strategy for me is to "practice" acceptance. I use the word "practice" deliberately because I am one of those individuals that has to "act" my way into right thinking and not "think" my way into right living. This sounds confusing to me at times but I know that when I meet with trusted individuals, share honestly about my "feelings" and attend my 12 meetings, I begin to feel better (emotionally and spiritually) and my thinking begins to improve. My resentments begin to disappear. I have to remember that for an alcoholic like me, resentments are the number one offenders. The can do the most damage to my attitude and to my thinking. I seem to forget that "I am" a big part in my life. I cause my own problems. It is too easy to point fingers but someone once told me not to point because when I do, there are usually 3 fingers pointing back. I don't believe this sometimes, but it is true. Once again, I have to practice acceptance. It is the key to my sobriety, to my spiritual health and to my physical well being.

I miss my grandkids already. All the more reason to hurry up and wait for the move back in November.

Yesterday was one BIG STRESS BALL

Yesterday was overwhelming. Nothing special, just over whelming; all my emotions just gathered together and seemed to attack me. It was on big stress ball. Yesterday was the last day of my immediate family's extended visit to Nova Scotia. They arrived exactly 2 years ago and so much has happened. Since July 2005, we have been fortuate to have grown our family by 2 young people and had some great experiences. But all good things do come to an end.

I think all my issues have added together and caused an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. I walked around the Lake twice, I met with my friend JC, I attended my 12 step meeting and we discussed the "solution to alcoholism". The afternoon continued with a phone call from the Cancer Clinic asking me if I decided if I wanted radiation therapy and when I tried to watch DVD to get some shut eye, I found the DVD missing. This simple issue, a misplaced DVD, resulted in me breaking down and crying like a baby. It was good; maybe it is part of the continuing process of total , absolute surrender. I am control of nothing and need to surrender the next few months to God as I Understand Him/Her. I found myself once again saying the Serenity Prayer.

It is 4:00 AM and we are getting ready to take the return trip to Saskatchewan via Edmonton. Two adults, 3 kids, two cats and a lot of boxes. It will be a long day.

Mad at Max ...

Yesterday was a disappointing day for me. I got mad at the one "person" that has been an inspiration to me during the past couple of months. The "person" is Max, our yellow lab. We were going out for our 6:30 AM walk around Lake Banook yesterday morning. He always gets so ... ooooo excited when we start this routine. As we walked out the front door, he lunged and just about pulled me over as he jerked my arm.

My first reaction was anger and this scared my poor friend so much so that he cowered beside my leg. My heart sank. What is happening to me? I must be back in the early stages of acceptance once more because I have never gotten mad at Max. He has always comforted me when I have been frightened. During most recent challenge, he would lie down beside me and his heartbeat would give me hope. He has always protected my "A" as I travelled to Nova Scotia during the early days of this project. He has always provided friendship and fun for my grandchildren. Why would get mad at Max?

Unfortunately, I seem to be cursed with extreme emotional sensitivity. From what I have learnt about my disease of alcoholism, emotional sensitivity is a common trait. Also, I have been diagnosed as a ego-maniac with low self esteem. Whenever I perceive my ego is threatened, I lash out, especially at people or at God's creations that I love immensely. I try real hard to temper this character defect. I go to my meetings (at least 3 a week) and "try" and do a Step 10 every day.

So I will do my Step 10 ... I am sorry Max; please forgive me. I hope the Robbin's Eggs I gave you this morning will help.

To "A", I hope you don't read this, but if you are, I make amends. I am sorry for being grumpy ... again. Thanks for reading my recent letters and getting me on track one more time.