TimE to Reflect ...

I am not sure what is happening; maybe a flu. This morning I feel awful. My belly hurts, my back hurts, my bones hurts and I feel depressed. Is this the flu from my grandson! I will get even on the weekend! No more sharing drinks from my bottle.

I had the opportunity to go the office yesterday and it was nice to see everyone. I was amazed how fast I could get emotionally attached to work again and several times I knew I had to stay reserved with my comments. My opinions are always welcome however it is not my place at this time to get engaged in difficult decision making. This is hard to do and I THINK I am fighting another addiction ... a workaholic syndrome.

When I was in treatment a number of years ago at Indian Head we were given lots of information on human relations, interactions and addiction issues. One that always stood out for me was the fact that an addictive personality type usually switches addictions when faced with changing his or her primary addiction. I could have for example have switched from alcohol to drugs (legal or illegal), to gambling or to work. I know I haven't done the first three for 16 plus years, but I am wondering about work. I loved work and I enjoy the people that I work with. In fact there are several I am very close to; we work well together and that type of relationship is powerful.

This is one advantage the monster has given me ... time to reflect about my life, my likes and dislikes and my priorities. I know my primary problem ... alcohol. If I don't watch out about this one, all hell will break loose; that is a given. But what are my second and third priorities and how should I manage these? What an opportunity!

Smooth Sailing So Far ...

I am not a sailor, in fact I am a bit terrified of water. I would have thought I would not like being so close to water ... the Atlantic Ocean and the 5 or so lakes that exist in Dartmouth. However, this is not the case; I have really fallen in love with Nova Scotia, especially the people that I have crossed paths with.

I have lived in several cities since I was 18 and Dartmouth and Nova Scotia folks rank among the best. The people that I become acquaintances and friends with are exceptional. They are kind, caring and sincere. When they ask " how are you doing" - they mean it. I was walking around Lake Banook this morning and I chatted briefly with a lady waiting at the bus stop. I did not know her name, however, she knew who I was. I am "A's" husband. She asked how I was doing and I told her that I was getting into a groove and it has been "smooth sailing so far". It is nice to be asked these questions since it gives me a "sense of belonging" that is so special.

My main focus is praying for acceptance, praying for others, getting rest and completing my exercises. Completing 3-4 kms of walking and completing 300 of the famous Kegel Exercises are my objectives. I am surprised that I am not bored and I am grateful for this. It appears my sphincter valve is starting to operate as it should. The free flow from my bladder is being reduced but progress is slow. Coughing and laughing are killers. As soon as I do this I have my temporary underwear but this is a small price to pay for a laugh.

It has been 5 weeks since the monster was removed from me. I hope he is gone for ever! Time will tell. For now I am practicing living "One Day at a Time".

Remembering Ken T.

Today I was answering an e-mail to a good friend I met last year and it reminded me of Ken T. who passed away in 1996 from his battle with his monster. He was so special to me. It is amazing how well one can get to know another person in a short period of time. I knew Ken for only a couple of years and because we were in the Program we were rigorously honest with each other.

It was in May 1996 that Ken asked me to listen to his story. During that Sunday afternoon, we shared our life stories; We became brothers of the spirit world on that day. I miss you Ken.

Here is my letter. I hope this is OK with you M.

Dear M,

Thanks so much for your e-mail. I read it again and I got goose-bumps. I only seem to get goose-bumps when I get a spiritual connection to something/someone who has more Power than me. I can never "force" goose bumps.

I feel for you and your friend. I lost a very good friend in 1996 from cancer. He was 43 and I was 40. He and I became very good friends quickly (within 6 months - because we went to the same 12-Step Group in Regina) and we knew each other better than brothers.

He gave me a life changing gift. He asked me to speak at his funeral and he wanted to me to say a few words telling everyone how important sobriety was to him. There were 300 + people at this funeral and felt that he was with me when I spoke. He told me he would not wish the illness on anyone and that he truly enjoyed everyday he had. He died with dignity. He also had seen the tunnel and his former friends. There might be something to this?

I am so happy you get something from the blog. It is good therapy for me and I really mean what I say. M, I am so grateful to have friends like you and others. Every day is most special, especially when I have a little time with my grandchildren. I hold them close to me and tell God I love them.

I am going to give a blood sample for analysis tomorrow and I see the doctor on June 11. This will determine if I have more treatment in front of me.

I am not sure if you know, but "A" and I are returning to Saskatchewan this fall. My secondment term is completed this year and I have decided to stay with my company. They are just too good to me and I would be silly to give up the long term benefits that I have earned over the 28 years I have worked. It will be hard to leave the Maritimes.

Who knows, maybe Angel and I will make one more trip and drop by for another great breakfast. I was so impressed with the hospitality last year. Today I am making Green Pea soup for supper.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

With much care for you,

Harvey

Living on Borrowed Time ...

Last night I received a call from a friend on mine in Regina. It was late and what a gift this phone call was. He is also fighting his own monster (prostate cancer) but using a different procedure. He has elected to use radiation therapy and is currently half way through his treatments.

I am not sure if I will need to go for radiation treatment as well. This will be determined by Dr. B. on June 11 and the PSA score will be a big factor in determining the next steps. A zero or low score may suggest a deferral of radiation. But if I do need radiation, I will go. This is were my friend's experience is so reassuring. It seems like radiation will be "walk in the park" compared to surgery. He is experience minimum side effects.

As we chatted, we laughed and also remembered when ... when we drank and when we sobered up. We laughed and cried a little bit. Not much, but just enough to be grateful. He then told me that he knew he was living on borrowed time and this is something I also believe in. All you have to do is ask my "A" what it was like when I was drinking ... not very nice and even through I tried to get off the sauce and stay on the wagon, I could never do it. No will power was enough to beat my problem. It was not until I was confronted at work by another friend of mine that I was in enough pain to be teachable. Thank God for that! Since my sobriety date (1990 November 09), I have tried to practise gratitude every day and also remember that I too am living on borrowed time. For if I didn't find my 12 step program and friends like the one that called my last night, I would not had an opportunity to fight off the monster! I truly am living on borrowed time. Maybe this is why I was able to go into the operating room stone cold sober and drug free? Who knows, but I glad I did.

Thanks W and members of the Fellowship Group! I owe you.

Cookin' like a Newfie ...

My dear "A" certainly loves me. She is always checking to make sure I don't start feeling sorry for myself and gives me the opportunity to vent angry when I need to. She also creates opportunities for me.

I have almost all the cooking in our family since I have known her. In fact, I think it was my roast chicken, mashed potatoes and vegetables that got her attention when we were first dating. However, I knew, I made an impression with my banana flambe using rum. It was spectacular and I almost burnt down the apartment in Saskatoon on my first try.

Now that drinking is not something I do anymore (thanks to the Big Guy), I have find new exotic recipes to keep my "A" happy. She has decided to take advantage of my downtime and she gave me a flyer and asked that I attend a 1 hour cooking class --- "Taste of the Atlantic: Newfoundland". So tonight, I am going to learn how to make a Newfie meal ... Roasted Vegetable Salad; Newfoundland Pea Soup and Dumpling and Newfie Figgy Duff with Sugar Sauce. Wish me luck!

Today, my biggest problem is ...

This has been a very good weekend. Every day I am on the "daylight side of the grass" ... it is a good day; right?

I really have nothing to complain about but today I will. I am sure everything is progressing very nicely, healing wise that is. My war wounds are itchy and my "A" tells me that is a good sign. It also seems like my bladder is slowly starting to get back into the grove, however, I emphasize slowly and it is somewhat painful. My biggest problem is lack of continuous sleep. Every 1 to 2 hours during the night, I have to get up and go to the bathroom, try and go pee and change my "you know what". I am assuming this is normal however it doesn't give me a good sleep. I get cranky when this happens. I guess I am on track.

Tomorrow will be 28 days since my fateful surgery. I thought time would slow down but this is certainly not the case. I am lucky ... really.

There are advantages!

This has been a good weekend even though the most of the weekend was rainy. I have been trying hard to find the positives in my "monster situation". Yesterday provided one of those opportunities.

My "A" has been wonderful. I know the fear has been just as great for her as it has been for me. Maybe more so. Over the past several months she has focused herself to get ready for the Bluenose Marathon that is run annually through Halifax and Dartmouth. She was excited yesterday AM. I was glad I for her and extremely happy to be part of this event.

We went to the starting line and we waited for the 10 km event to start. She was off and I was planned to go home and wait for a phone call to pick her up after the race. It then dawned on me --- "I must wait for her. I have to see her cross the finish line". That is the least I could do. She waited for me for 7 hours while I was having the monster removed. I guess I could wait 1-1/2 hours at the beautiful Citadel Hill in Halifax (even if it was raining). I waited and had fun with Max. I had one problem ... too much coffee in the morning. Here is where having prostate surgery has an advantage; I was wearing "astronaut underwear". I had the technology to deal with the wait; no sweat. I did.

"A" placed 974 out of 1238. I am proud of her.

Message from Dr. B.

Yesterday afternoon I was was talking to a good friend from the western part of our Great Country. He is good friend like many others I have. During our conversation, I heard a couple of "beeps" on the phone and I thought someone was calling me. There was a call and I am glad I didn't pick-up. It was a message from my Urologist, Dr. B.

Last time Dr. B. called me at home ... he told me I had a monster inside me.

In this message he also talked about the monster, however, there was much more hope in his voice. He was excited. He told me he got the pathology report back and wanted to share the news. He confirmed there was a monster but this time the news was positive.

Key points:

1. My Gleason Score was downgraded to 8 (from 9). The lower the Gleason Score, the better.

2. The "margins" from the removed prostate and associated glands were negative. This means the "extra radical prostectomy" accomplished its primary goal. Remove as much cell material as possible to ensure the entire monster was "evicted from its residence".

3. The monster grew to the edge of the prostate gland but it did not break through the wall of the gland. This is means the monster was more than likely localized to the prostate only.

4. The lymph nodes were examined and they were normal. This means that no cancer (monster) cells were collected in the lymph nodes and is a good indication that the monster was confined to the prostate.

Dr. B.'s final words "Dr. R. and I were extremely happy and I hope you are too."

Yes Dr. B, I am. Thanks to my friend for calling when he did, otherwise I wouldn't have the message to listen to. I had to replay it several times to make sure I was hearing every word correctly. I am going to make a copy of the message so it I can be reminded how fortunate I am.

My next big test will be the blood work (PSA test) at the end of the month. A big fat "goose egg"I score would be perfect. First time I can remember that I want to score a zero on a test! "A" and I see Dr. B. on June 11th.

Everyone ... thanks for Making Contact with the Big Guy. I am grateful.

I miss my son and daughter ...

Recovery from the monster has given me a lot of time to think about the past, the present and the future. For some reason, today, I am missing my kids. I have been thinking about some past trips and adventures that we have taken. I am thinking about their young lives. We had fun and we had fights. All part of growing up.

One of the bests parts of our past were the hugs. I am glad I sobered up when I did (just over 16 1/2 years ago) in 1990. My daughter was 12 and my son 10. I had a chance to be a Dad and enjoy their youth ... not all of it through. Through the tough times, I found it very useful to give them hug, no matter what. I know this therapy was useful for me as it reminded me that they were important and it seemed our souls would be "one" for a moment.

The best feeling I have is when I hug my kids in public. Hugging my daughter in Ottawa just after she took me downtown on the city bus and showed me were to go for a meeting was special. She is a very beautiful young woman with a lot of talent. Hugging her made me burst with pride!

Hugging my son is also special. We hug all the time and in public. Last year, I visited a job site and seen him busy working away. I went to say hi. In front of his construction co-workers we hugged and he kissed me on the cheek. He was was 26 and I 49. At that moment we were in our own world and everything was OK. Thanks Hson.

From me to you ... a long distant hug. Thanks for being my kids.

Acceptance doesn't mean I have to like it!

I am starting to get accustom to my routine. Every hour or so I need to do my business in the bathroom and change. I think I moving into the acceptance mode of my situation. I have learned from my recovering 12 Step Program friends that "Acceptance does not mean I have to like the situation I am in". When I heard this jewel, it was quite a revelation for me . I used to think that accepting a situation means I have to like it or be OK with it. Not so.

Yesterday I seen my family doctor and I was able to get a detailed report of the surgery I experienced on April 25. There were 3 pages of notes that provided a "blow by blow" of the event. I read the report a couple of times and to tell you the truth it scared me! However, I am glad I seen this report; somehow seeing my situation on paper provides a further degree of closure. I seen phases like "high-risk adenocarcinoma of the prostate", "He is aware that due to the high-risk disease", "we are not going to perform nerve sparing prostateomy", "we actually performed an extra radical prostatectomy", "we experienced significant amount of bleeding", "blood loss 1500 ml" and "there were no complications with this procedure".

The above notes reminded me how lucky I am. Although I would have preferred not to have gone through this operation, I am grateful I have a chance to experience life for a few more years. Thanks to all the skilled individuals who were able to stop the blood loss and perform the "extra radical" removal of the monster!

An Opportunity to Practice PATIENCE

This weekend was a good one. It was great to have that darn catheter out however the adjustment to diapers has been a more of a challenge than I expected. I am starting to get myself moving and get some exercise. I was able to walk Max around beautiful Lake Banook on the weekend. It is about 3.5 km round trip and we took our time. Everything was good until the last 1/3 of the leg. Two problems: (1) I seemed to be getting heavier and (2) my legs were getting quite wobbly.

I analyzed the situation and found the problems ... (1) I needed a changing and (2) there was a lot of surgery that happened below. The first issue can be solved easily and the second will need time to heal.

When the urologists talked to us after the surgery they indicated they cut through a couple of arteries in my mid section. What surprised them is that these arteries are not common in most people and they didn't expect to find them. This resulted in a fair amount of blood loss and I was a whisker close to needing a blood transfusion, however, I didn't need this life saving action. I guess these cuts and repairs do take a toll and I will need to practise patience. It seems the Big Guy is always giving me new opportunities to hone my skills.

I am now practising the famous Kegel Exercises and build up the pelvic floor muscles. One of these involves pretending someone is trying to stick a pin in an area where the sun doesn't shine. Doesn't that sound like fun!

All and all, I feel very good and lucky. Thanks to everyone for their support! I am indebted.

Gido

Happy Mother's Day ... Mom

It has been 4 years since my Mom passed away (April 28, 2003) from her own "monster". It was a shock to me and to everyone since just 3 weeks early my Dad also passed away (April 06, 2004) from old age. My Mom was 66 and my Dad was 76. Within 3 weeks, my entire family became orphaned so to speak.

During my ordeal with the monster, I have been thinking of Mom a lot. I have been hoping that she would come visit me in my dreams or send me some other kind of sign that everything would be OK. I wanted something to happen just like my experiences with the toonies. When my sister gave me a toonie that she found, it just felt right that Dad would be sending me a message through my sister. You see, I believe, God, the Higher Power, works through people who are "in tune" with the Will of the Big Guy.

My Mom was very good to me, just like all mom's are. She taught me lots of life's lessons, but the biggest one was how to accept impossible situations that we have no control over. It was during the 3 week in April, 2003 that I seen her strength. I believe my Mom was in a lot of pain but she would not complain. I am sure she felt alone because she just buried her husband of 49 years of marriage but she didn't express self pity. She just stayed primarily in her bedroom on the farm and listened to all the chatter of her family who were in the house trying to make her last days comfortable.

It was during one of these days that I did one of best things I ever done for Mom. She was in her bedroom resting. She was trying to get some sleep but it was difficult for her. I laid down beside her and asked her to place her head on my shoulder and have a rest. She looked at me and said "you know I will snore, Harve". "That's OK Mom". She placed her head on my right shoulder and drifted off for a short sleep. She snored and it was wonderful. As we lay there, I knew this would be the last time I would be so intimate to my first love, my Mom. I thought of all the good times and bad times in our past, but most importantly I prayed to God and tried to express my gratitude that my Mom gave me life. I am proud of those 10 minutes. I hope I made Mom feel that she was not alone before she graduated from her human experience. My mom passed away on Monday April 28, 2003. She certainly taught me how to face the unknown with courage and faith.

I have had small reminders and spiritual visits from Mom during the past couple of months. When I get scared, I think of Mom and how she handled her monster situation. I still pray to Mom for strength, courage and acceptance.

I miss you Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

This is not the time to save money ...

Yesterday was the first day without the catheter. It was great but different. I was having trouble getting into the grove of the process. I was up, down, sideways and upside down trying to get comfortable with the new padding system. It will just take a little getting used to.

One of things I found out yesterday is that I shouldn'y buy the cheap brands. I saved $8 and I paid the price by being uncomfortable and angry. I didn't sleep well and unfortunately kept "A" up during the night. Sorry about that, sweetie.

I am looking forward to this evening ... I get to take a picture with my grandson who also has a padding system!

Shut up or I will give you something to cry about!

It is 6:20 AM on May 10, 2007 and I am having coffee with my dear "A". I am telling her about my new pain(s) and she laughs "shut up or I will give you something to cry about". These are words of wisdom!

Yesterday was a day I was waiting for. It was 2 weeks to the day (and probably the hour) since my wonderful catheter was installed. The last couple of days with this invention were horrible; I mean horrible. I am not sure why, but the piping system was very uncomfortable and generated a fair amount of pain.

I went to my scheduled appointment with Dr. G. at 4:00 pm. We chatted a while and I get enough courage to ask him about the "hot spot" the bone x-ray scan found in the left sinus area of my face. I was scared to ask because I was afraid of the possible answer, however, he reassured me the additional CT Scan that was performed on my head area provided negative results. That is, the monster did not spread to my head (or any other part of my body). Obviously I was relieved to hear this, however, the good Dr. G. indicated the June 11 meeting with my Urologist will provide more answers. The pathology report on my extracted prostate and the additional blood work (i.e. PSA test) will provide clarity of what will happen in the future.

We then got on to the real business; removal of the piping and collection system. I was not looking forward to this, however, my mind made a bigger deal out of this than it really was. The air from my internal bladder bag was removed and then my instructions were "On three cough". As simple as that ... no more catheter!

I brought something to wear (pad) to protect my clothing and I knew it would be different walking around without the plastic pipe tied to my thigh. But what surprised me most were the feelings that overwhelmed me as I walked to meet "A". As I was walked, I found I could not control anything ... I was powerless to stop anything from flowing. Even though my sweats did not reveal the "secret", I knew what was happening ... I started to cry. Not like a baby, just small tears like a 50 year old man. I am glad it was "A" who seen me and not anyone else.

Last evening and night was different. It certainly is more comfortable not having the catheter and I slept better. I did wake a couple of times to just "my surroundings" to make sure I didn't have "an accident". All was secure.

Now that I have crossed another hurdle, I am finding another obstacle ... I am experiencing some internal pain and pain around my "war wound" where the monster was removed. As I was telling "A" this, this morning, she reminded me of the saying "Shut up or I will give you something to cry about". How true ... I was starting to feel sorry for myself. Thanks for snapping me out of this "A".

You know what was the best part of last night? Cuddling with "A"!

Remove that piping!

Today is the day. I am so looking forward to getting the darn catheter removed at 4:00 pm this afternoon. I am not sure why I am having such a big problem with this device during the past couple of days. But I am experiencing an annoying pain at the entry point. This may seem gross but it is real. Once the piping is removed, I will move to diapers and incontinence pads. Do you know I never heard the word "incontinence" before my little adventure! It is almost like when "A" was pregnant; it seemed like every lady in the mall was pregnant. Now I am wondering who is wearing this designer clothing!

I can see how constant pain can wear a person down. The pain is always there and I can't run away from it. It is a slow and continuous. I will be looking forward to walking with Max around Lake Banook later this week. We will start with one walk that is about 3.5 km and work towards a goal of 2 walks around the beautiful lake. This should cheer me up later in the week.

Today I will also have coffee with JC. He is a great inspiration to me. He has been dealing with his monster for a year and he continues to be upbeat and positive, always looking for a new solution to his situation.

For those who are interested in or have experience with prostate concerns, I would recommend viewing a site by a senior editor from MSNBC; his link http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12874131/. When "A" was reading his journey, she thought the two of us were related. I would recommend passing this link to guys who are faced with a decision to solve a prostate problem.

Tomorrow, the race begins. Who can be potty trained faster ... Gido or Demetrius or Boh? I know I will beat the girl.

Hugging a Doctor

Yesterday I went to see my family doctor, Dr. G. It was time to get my staples removed, all 14 of them. When I look at my scar it certainly looks like I have had a major surgery. Still I am grateful and I told Dr. G. this, yesterday AM. I was looking at my report from the urologist (Dr. B.) which recorded the "monster" as being in Stage 2Ta. This means that the monster was occupying 50% or less of one prostate lobe. While this is good, the issue still facing me is the Gleason Score. My score was 9 (out of 10). For once I wish I would have failed! This score means the monster was aggressive and was likely to spread more quickly than a monster with a low Gleason Score. I will have to wait until my June 11 appointment with my Urologist, Dr. B. to find out more on the condition of the removed prostate.

I will also have to another blood test two weeks before the June 11 meeting. If all is well, the PSA level will be zero. A zero PSA level will mean no stray prostate monster cells moved out of the prostate.

So were am I going with this? I am grateful for the care I have received so far. While I was in the hospital, I thanked my Urologist, Dr. B. for all the care he had provided. When I thought about it, he was more intimate with me than any other person I have ever known! I wanted to give him something more.

And as fate would have it, I had an opportunity that presented itself in a flash while I was in the hospital. On one of his visits he dropped by to see "A"and I to see how I was doing. With him, was his 4 year old son ... a mirror image of Dr.B; just much, much younger. Dr. B told us that his son wanted to meet one of his patients and Dr. B. decided my room would do. As with most 4 year old, he was quiet and clung to his dad, my Urologist. "A" and I chatted a bit and then I asked the 4 year old to do me a favor. "Could you please give your Dad a hug from me. He is the best doctor ever". And the little boy transferred a hug from me to the good Doctor; everyone smiled, especially Dad. It was a magic moment.

Pee Bags and Grandchildren ... A Dangerous Combination

Every Sunday for almost 2 years "A" and I get to host a wonderful family Sunday nights. This is one of the highlights of the week and the 2 -3 hour event has continuously been a hoot.

Of course I am referring to my son's family (I wish my daughter's was close by so they could attend). So last night, even though I was having problems with my piping system that ends with the capture of the product into a bag, "A" and I had the family over for supper. I am amazed at how revitalized I can become when a 6 year, a 1 1/2 year old and a 3 month old human being is around me. I feel very close to God when I am with them.

We were having a great time. My middle grandson, Demetrius, is adorable, funny and humble all at the same time. He is one of the reasons I want to grow up. I want to watch him become successful and happy, but more importantly, I want to be there to wipe his tears from his face when he is feeling as "low as dirt". My grandfather did this for me, I am I still remember the hugs I received from him. Maybe that is why I enjoy hugging?

Back to the story. We were having fun. My feet were on the coffee table, my legs were elevated and I was holding my granddaughter. ALL OF A SUDDEN, my "A" jumped to her feet and made the save of the day. My Demetrius unplugged the bottom of my pee bag. One wrong move on my part and we would have had quite a mess. The day was saved by "A", Demetrius thought this was a great game and I have a wonder memory in my quest to slay the monster. Thanks Demetrius.

I am off to the Dr. G this morning to get my staples out. The next steps is arranging to get my catheter removed. Oh joy ... diapers. Well at least I will have something in common with 3 of my grandchildren, Bohdan, Demetrius and Aaliyah. It will be a race to see who can shed these great inventions first ... game on!

Painful !

Last night was horrible. I am not sure what happened but my temporary piping system (a.k.a. catheter) was absolutely painful. I woke up at 4:00 am in tears. I managed to get to the medicine cabinet and get some Tylenol into me. Today will definitely be a catch-up rest day for me.

Mornings Take a Little Longer to Get Ready

I realized this morning how much longer it takes to get ready. Having a catheter and associated piping certainly increases the time. What used to take me 10 minutes (top) to shower, shave and get going on a weekend morning is now taking 45 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I can still get ready on my own and don't need assistance from a third party.

One of the blessings of this challenge is the awareness of good things in my current and past life. Taking longer in the mornings is just an inconvenience. I can still get a hug from my grandson Dustin (which I did this morning) and I can still enjoy a shower all by myself (even though there are shower police in the house a.k.a. "A").

I guess what I am saying is that I am feeling grateful this morning. My grandson Dustin is standing beside and getting ready to help me publish this blog. He will help me check the spelling and we will have a little fun reading some of the words. I am off to one of my 12 step meeting at 10 AM. I need a meeting fix! More tomorrow.

Did I mention the Urology Doctors?

This is for my "A" and what reminded me of the following comments was the episode of ER last night. There were two moments on ER that reminded of my current situation.

Last week, I was fortunate to have 3 excellent urologists working on me. One these gifted gentlemen is truely talented and looks very much like Luka on ER. Tall, dark, handsome and has an accent that I know appears to a certain gender. My review of his capabilities revealed he is extremely technically competent and was "called in" by my primary urologist to assist with my surgury.

Last week during my doctor-patient visitation, the urologist I am refering to came to see me. He said that he was very pleased with the surgery. This information was very incouraging. I believe the monster was caught and removed in its early stage.

He then indicated and wondered if "it would be OK if he could continue to monitor my progress?" He said he would understand if we didn't want to see him anymore. Without a missing a heartbeat of time, my wonderful "A", said "sure, that would be fine". I concured.

He was pleased and walked down the hallway. I looked at a "A", smiled, and said "My gosh, you said yes very quickly". She said "Do you think I was a little too quick with the answer?". I chuckled and said "Well ... that was fast." We both had a good chuckle, even though my 6 inch wound hurt like heck.

The second moment on ER was the wedding vows being said between Luka and Abbie. It was Luka's impomptue vow that made me stop and think about my life and relationship with "A" and my Higher Power. His vow started with the statement "I offer myself to you ... " I say this everymorning to during my prayers. This is the Third Step Prayer that we use in my 12 Step Program ... "God I offer myself to You, to build with me and do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, so that victory over them may bear witness to those that I would help of Your Power, Your Love and Your Way of life. May I do Your will always".

But what sparked a thought in my head was the wedding vows that "A" and I made over 28 years ago. We were married in a small town in Jedburgh, Saskatchewan on April 28, 1979. The last marraige ceremony in that church occurred in the late 1950's, so this was a special day for the small town as well as for "A" and I.

I remember making the commitment of staying together and offering myself to "A" no matter what would happen. The episode of ER made me reflect on my married life so far; there have been very many ups and downs but we seem to get stronger ... I am one lucky guy, even though "A" did answer that question very quickly last week.

Resting is Hard Work

Yesterday was a very good day for me. It was "A"'s first day back to work and she was comfortable leaving me alone. I proved I could behave myself and not break any of the doctors rules. This included lifting anything heavier than a kilo and not staying in the shower for more than 5 minutes. My gentle "A" can be a slave driver when she wants to be. Beneath the beauty is a commander.

I decided to be proactive and try and get out of the house. I was able to have coffee with my friend JC who was kind enough to pick me up. He is actually quite an inspiration to me. His situation is similar but his challenges are greater. He handles his situation with humor and faith. I also was able to catch up on my e-mails from the past week. E-mails are great for someone recovering. They can keep the mind busy and help focus on friends.

I knew the 8 inch cut in my belly would slow me down somewhat, however, I didn't realize that recovery could be so exhausting. After "A" came home, I asked her to take me to do some banking and get some supper. I must have walked for no more than 3 blocks and I was pooped! I had a goal of walking around Lake Banook later this week, however, I will postpone this by a week at least or more.

Today, I am going to create some havoc with the nursing system at the Victoria General Hospital and provide feedback on the all the nurses who took care of me (and others) last week. This should keep my mind focused for another day.

DDay with the Monster + 7 days

I find it hard to believe that today represents one week since I checked into Halifax VG hospital for surgery. It has been one of those weeks in my life that has been "a life time in length" but also gone in "a wink of an eye". It seems that I was able to absorb all this new information and also enjoy the wonder of what was going to happen to me in the future with great clarity of mind.
Last week I wrote my thoughts just before I starting getting ready for the trip to the Castle to see the Wonderful Wizards. I thought I would summarize the highlights of that day which ended up with me seeing "A" waiting in the hospital room for me.

We arrived at the VG hospital at 10:30 AM and checked into the 10th floor reception area. This floor is were the prostatectomy surgeries occur. I was guided to the end of the hall and asked to change into the wonderfully open accessible hospital gowns. While I was changing in the stall, I took this private location to get on my knees and ask the Big Guy for help to accept what was going to happen to me and for it's outcome. I also asked that He possibly provide Guidance to the hands and minds of the nurses and surgeons I was about to see.

The next steps were basic; I had to get me vitals established including blood pressure, pulse and O2 capacity. I also was checked and cross-checked (QC/QA) by 3 nurses to make sure I was who I said I was and that I knew why I was going into surgery. It was good to see the system was taken every possible step to make sure they weren't going to give me a "face lift" instead of what I really needed, a radical prostatectomy.

My last interview with nurses was most interesting in that the lady told me that I appeared very calm. She told me that she would offer me a sedative but she thought I was doing OK. This surprised me. Maybe praying in the change stall really does work? I thanked her and said I would decline the medication for now. I am glad I did because I was able to experience the next 15 minutes with complete sobriety.

My name was called and was taken towards the operating room area by a male nurse, who was most kind. He got me on a gurney and covered my with a blanket. Dr. B. came to see me as I was lying there and tapped me on the shoulder. It seemed like God did that; I had complete confidence in this guy I just met. He was going to give absolute control over to him in just a few minutes and I was at peace with this decision. What a nice experience!

We chatted and although I had confidence in his abilities, I had to make sure. "Dr. B., you are 100% sure I have cancer?". "Yes Harve, you have. You will be OK. I will see you in the operating room."

He turned and walked away. The male nurse came back almost immediately. I think this is protocol to make sure patients don't get rowdy before the big event. I thought to myself ... maybe I should go pee one last time! So I asked and he escorted me to the bathroom and ask I was one this short journey I passed by Dr. B. who became quite surprised. "Where are you going?" He seemed quite concerned and I think he thought I changed my mind for the "face lift" procedure. "Oh, I just thought I would use the bathroom just one more time." The relief on his face was priceless.

We entered the operating room and the nurses and anesthesiologist were waiting for me. These folks were good. I love being with people who know what they are doing! Before I know it, I was asked to take some deep breaths and I was gone. That was about 1:30 pm last Wednesday.

I woke up about 6:30 - 7:00 pm in the recovery room with a nurse standing beside me. The first thing I did was run my tongue over my upper teeth and was relieved to find out that no damage was done to my verniers and bridge work. "A " would not have been happy; she put a lot of effort into fixing my farm teeth!

I was OK'ed to be taken to my private room on the 5th floor of the VG at about 7:30 pm. It was wonderful to see my "A" waiting for me. She looked tired. I think her day was much longer and more stressful than mine, however, I am glad she waited for me. She left in a little while after she told me that Dr. B. met with her and told her the operation went very well. I was glad to hear the "monster was slayed" (at least for now). My day was over.

For my friend from Alberta (GA) ... I did have a dream ... I went skiing at Lake Louise. It was great.

OK ... this is not fun anymore!

I think I was in a bit of a state of denial regarding the seriousness of my monster removal procedure. Last night was not a lot of fun. Having to move around in bed with a catheter is a pain in the "you know where" and getting in an out of bed is a bit more complicated. Also going to the bathroom almost needs it own standard operating procedure manual. There is a systematic approach that must be followed or odd things happen. I will keep these details to myself for now as I am still trying to work out this routine at home. I told "A" that I can't wait to go to diapers and get rid of the extra piping and collection system that I currently have. At least I will have something in common with 3 of my grand kids.

The one good thing about my current situation is that I don't feel guilty anymore about not being at work. I am not sure I blogged this point in the past. Although I knew I had a major illness to deal with, I felt physically just fine and as a result I thought I was playing hooky from work. I want to make it clear that this feeling was my issue. At no point did my employer suggest I should be coming to work or doing work from home. The people I work with and for were completely supportive of my recovery strategy. I am very grateful for this. I work for one of the best companies in Canada.

Thank God I was so busy with projects outside of work. I had a chance to do some good things for my kids and with "A". When I look back on 2007, I am sure the period between March 12 (when I was told I have cancer) to April 25 (the day the monster was removed), I will count more good days than bad days.

Today I will try and take a walk around the block to get some fresh Maritime air. I will also try and sneak in some shower time without "A" being too concerned. She worries too much. I am hoping the days will begin to get easier soon. Time will tell. More tomorrow.